I once had an argument with someone over the definition of “sports.” My friend Quincy* tried to say that any game that can be played by fat people isn’t really a sport. The main target of his fury was baseball (and fat people, obviously), and to this day I don’t know why.
Granted growing up in the 80s we had to see guys like Sid Fernandez and Rick Reuschel play the game — big fat men — but seriously, Quincy, have you watched a baseball game since then? Answer: probably not. (By the way, Quincy argued that football IS a sport, thereby negating whatever legitimacy his argument may have had…which, by the way, was none.)
So imagine my dismay yesterday when I tuned in for a bit of Opening Day baseball, and checked in on one of the stars of my fantasy baseball team, CC Sabathia. For those of you who don’t know him, Mr. Sabathia is the very definition of the “Round Moundsman.” Six-foot-seven, and listed at 300 pounds (which means he actually weighs closer to 400 pounds), Sabathia labored his way to a miserable outing, striking out ZERO people. That’s right, the man who signed a seven-year, $161 million contract this offseason struck out ZERO Baltimore Orioles, and took the loss.
It all got me thinking about Quincy’s argument again. I still vehemently disagree with his premise that fat people being able to play a sport make something less of a sport (or not a sport), but here’s what I’m reconsidering: should fat people be allowed to play sports? Should someone who weighs 800 pounds be given a huge contract and be expected to perform like an athlete for seven years? Should I have even used a fantasy draft pick on someone that big? It’d be one thing if it were fantasy pie eating or fantasy Nathan’s hot dog eating contest, but it’s not. It’s fantasy baseball.
So now, while my baseball fantasy sadly includes a one-ton pinstriper, CC Sabathia’s fantasies are all sugarplums, lollipops, chocolate, marmalade, pork products, cheese, and, oh yeah, STRIKING OUT ZERO PEOPLE.
*That’s not his real name. His real name is Neil.
Isn’t this really an argument about a distinction between sports and “athletics”? I mean even stick ball can be a sport. But CC Sabathia can’t perform the decathlon. Being skillful at a sport is really just mastering a variety of made-up skills only useful in that particular arena; athletics in the classic Olympic sense of the term was actually meant to determine who was the best at pretty useful and common skills – throwing the farthest, running the fastest, running a long distance, and jumping the highest and the longest. Being the best at that makes you an “athlete”.