You know, we’ve come to expect a certain degree and type of asshattery from the people of Florida, but we were still blown away by one of the stories in today’s (um…trying to figure out the name of this paper…) Treasure Coast Palm. (Maybe?)
The headline really says it all:
“Hobe Sound man driving with toddler hanging out car window arrested on drug charges, deputies say”
Alright, fine, it doesn’t say it all. Let’s dig deeeeeper.
A 43-year-old man was arrested on drug charges after sheriff’s deputies stopped him when they saw a toddler partially hanging out of his car window.
Hobe Sound resident John W. Williams told Martin County Sheriff’s deputies he had just put out a marijuana cigarette when he was stopped along Bridge Road on Wednesday afternoon.
Authorities said they searched his vehicle and found a baggie of pot and a manila envelope with cocaine inside.
Is that good enough for you, people? You satisfied? Of course not! More:
His 2-year-old grandson was released to his mother.
HELLO! First of all, congratulations, 43-year-old John W. Williams on having a 2-year-old grandson. That’s lovely. Also, anyone out there want to bet against the ‘W’ standing for Wayne? Guarantee you his name is John Wayne Williams. There’s really no way it isn’t.
Now, to Mr. John Wayne Williams (who pretty much fits into our readers demographic, so we assume he’s, er, reading): Here’s a tip. Maybe next time you’re smoking pot while driving and have coke in your car, you might not want to let your 2-year-old grandson hang out the window.
Meanwhile, up in Tennessee, 19-year-old Wesley James Hough was getting into what the Tennesseean rightly dubbed “a sticky situation“. HEY-O! Three points for the Tennesseean!
The Kingsport Times-News reports Rogersville police chased 19-year-old Wesley James Hough as he fled on his motor scooter after taking a Life Savers Gummies pack valued at a little more than $1 from a Dollar General store on Monday.
OK, right off the bat, there are some issues here. First of all, really? We’re robbing a Dollar General? Second, the police chased him after he robbed a Dollar General? We feel like you should have to steal at least 100 things from that place before the police are allowed to chase. You should literally have to fill up a shopping cart, and just walk out with the stuff — otherwise, sorry, no chasing. He took freakin’ Life Savers Gummies! Not even real Life Savers! Also, what the hell, why were they valued at a little more than $1!? What kind of racket is this!?
Oh, then it got weird.
Hawkins County Sheriff Roger Christian said Wednesday police found meth lab ingredients and components stashed in Hough’s yellow motor scooter.
Hough was charged with promotion of manufacturing meth and theft under $500.
Oopsies!
Sucks for Wesley James Hough. Now who’s gonna cook all the meth!?
Your writing style is very funny!
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