When you think of sad, little states, you probably think about Delaware. Maybe you even think of Connecticut. But hey, if you’re really thinking, you should have honed in on Rhode Island — home of the country’s highest (get it!?) rate of illicit drug use!
What’s more, apparently the Rhodies are all big racists! It’s true! Know how we know? Because it’s in their state name!
You see, apparently Rhode Island isn’t the state’s full name. It’s sort of like how Barack Obama isn’t the president’s full name. Pull back the curtains, and he goes from Barry Obama — harmless exotic intellectual — to Barack Hussein Obama — secret-Muslim socialist who wasn’t even born here! The same is true for Rhode Island:
It does not appear on the state flag or license plate. You won’t see it on road maps or welcome signs. But Rhode Island has a lightning rod of a formal name — Rhode Island and Providence Plantations — that harks back to its prominent role in the slave trade and makes some of its residents cringe.
OMG, Providence Plantations! How offensive! It’s so offensive, the state doesn’t even use it anyplace. They’re just straight cold trying to hide their racism! Sneaky bastards.
Defenders of the name say that the word “plantation” did not have a negative connotation when Rhode Island was founded in 1636, and that it referred to the state’s farming settlements. But the state’s early economy did thrive on the slave trade, with Rhode Islanders distilling rum from molasses, trading it in Africa for slaves and then trading the slaves in the West Indies for more molasses.
Um, our concern isn’t Rhode Island’s racism and slave history as much as it is their apparent addiction to molasses. Are we reading that paragraph correctly? Their whole industry was essentially them distilling rum from molasses so they could get…more molasses? Who was in charge of Rhode Island back then, Buddy the Elf?
So who’s responsible for the new anti-Plantation push?
[State Rep. Joseph] Almeida, who is black, sponsored the measure in the House. He pushed for the referendum for a decade, he said, and succeeded after recruiting citizens to help persuade his fellow lawmakers.
“Instead of working inside the House,” Mr. Almeida said, “I started working out on the street with community organizers who had the connections to put the pressure on.”
Ah, so that’s what Obama’s secret ACORN army of community organizers has been up to…
ACORN! Have you no decency!?
[Special aside: Did you see how the Times tossed in there that Mr. Almeida is black? Wasn't that fancy?]
So if Mr. Almeida, his ACORNS and Obama (duh) have their way, what exactly would it mean for Rhode Island? Why is this so important, again?
The change would be largely symbolic, since the state’s formal name is so rarely used. It appears on some state stationery and on many documents, like elevator inspection certificates and marriage licenses. The official name also appears on the state seal, which is imprinted on the floor of the Statehouse Rotunda and elsewhere around the building.
Mr. Almeida said that the full name would not be removed from state buildings if the referendum was approved, but that state letterheads and documents would be replaced when current supplies ran out.
OK, listen. This is stupid. It’s actively stupid. Even if Mr. Almeida were trying to be stupid, we find it hard to believe he could have attained this level of stupid. Who the hell cares about “Providence Plantations”? Was that really doing anything?
We need some kind of new rule. We need something to stop the full-on case of stupid that’s taking over this country. Everyone everywhere needs to stop wasting everyone’s time with dumb shit. How about we put that out there as a ballot initiative?
I would vote for that new rule!
That’s racist.