Some Country for Old Men

The Beer Summit is so very last week, but the folks at Forbes.com just got around to writing about it today. Must be hard-hitting and thoughtful, right? No. Not at all. A fellow named Tunku Varadarajan used the opportunity to ask five pressing questions in a column titled: “Why was Biden there?“

Oh, and by “pressing,” we mean retarded.

So hey, let’s take the questions and see if we — regular guys who sometimes read the paper and sometimes watch news on the teevee — can’t answer them ourselves. It’s probably gonna be tough, though, considering Mr. Varadarajan is a professor at NYU’s Stern Business School, a fellow at Stanford’s Hoover Institution and executive editor for opinions at Forbes.

Yikes!

Here we go!

1. Why didn’t one of the men have the guts to ask for a glass of wine? Was I the only one to find the (pseudo) blue-collar beer trope rather irritating?

First of all, that’s two questions. Secondly, wait, what? Ugh. Fail.

Why didn’t any of them have the guts to get wine? Is that a real question? Didn’t Obama ask them over for beers? Wouldn’t it be presumptuous to order wine? Wouldn’t it also have been kinda ghey? As far as your second questions goes, yes. Yes you were.

2. How depressing that two of the four men drank beer that was “lite,” and one drank “beer” that was non-alcoholic. How depressing, in particular, that the President drank Bud Lite, indisputably the most disgusting beer in the world.

Not depressing. You can’t complain in question one that no one had the “guts” to order wine, and then complain that the guys drank lite beer. Incidentally, it was actually lite beer; it wasn’t “lite” beer. We don’t know what you’re trying to say with your random quotes other than: no one edits my articlez!

As far as Bud Lite being indisputably the most disgusting beer in the world, we think you should look up “indisputable,” because it doesn’t mean what you think it does. Bud Lite is gross, but seriously, you don’t think there’s anything worse?

3. Why, oh why, do people put fruit in their beer? (Crowley dunked a slice of orange in his, Biden a slice of lemon.) It is an inane custom, and ruins both the beer (except in the case of Bud Lite) and the fruit.

First we had the birthers; now we have the fruiters. Sigh.

4. Why didn’t the president and the vice-president keep their jackets on, as their guests did? The rolled-shirtsleeves stuff was a hackneyed bid for informality, especially with the ties still on.

OMG, have you ever been to our nation’s capital in the Summer!? Why the hell were Gates and Crowley WEARING their jackets!? We’d have worn flip-flops, linen shorts and floppy hats — that’s all — decorum be damned.

Also, Tunku, you can’t have it both ways! You can’t ask why they took off their jackets, but then complain they didn’t also take off their ties! Stop!

5. Now to my serious question: Why was Biden there?

Oh, so your other questions weren’t serious? Unlike with his other ghey questions, Varadarajan tries to answer this one on his own. Tries, but fails, that is.

Could it be that President Obama was afraid of how the photos might look to Middle America if they had shown a white man outnumbered by black men–and elite black men at that?

Um, except you’re forgetting that Obama is half black, and half white! He was actually the perfect person to moderate such a meeting. Joe Biden ruined it, making the ratio 2.5 white: 1.5 black!

Bah, if you want to read the rest of his dumb post-racial mumbojumbo theories about why Joe Biden was there with his non-alcoholic near beer, click the link. We’re done with you, though, Mr. Varadarajan (love typing that!). After all, we all know why Joe Biden was there: he didn’t have anything else to do, and has a wonderful, “two black guys and an Irish guy walk into a bar” joke.