Some Country for Old Men

So for the past few weeks we’ve pretty much been on vacation, enjoying BBQs, fancy beach dancin’ and pool parties. In other words, that’s why we didn’t write anything about Eric Holder’s (apparently he’s the Attorney General?) torture investigation — the newest thing that has Richard “Penis” Cheney all hot and bothered.

While Holder wants to look into the circumstances that led to detainees dying (some were ruled homicides), Cheney thinks it’s all poppycock, political, and unnecessary because no other attacks killed anyone after he and Dubs started torturing people.

Meh, whatever. To us it’s all inside-the-beltway nonsense that most people don’t really care about, especially since Americans don’t have jobs anymore, and have to pay for essentials like gas with their weed.

In other words: non-story, STFU!

Then today, Holder got the kind of endorsement that tends to occur only in your worst nightmares:

Former Bush AG [Alberto Gonzales] says the investigation is “legitimate,” Holder “should make the decision on his own.”

We’d call that the worst endorsement ever, but that’s nowhere near as fun as making a comprehensive list!

So here we go, the top-5 worst endorsements ever.

No. 5: Behold Dustin Pedroia’s Premium Black Bean and Corn Salsa!

Yes, nothing says “delicious salsa” quite like a white guy from Woodland, Calif. We get it, though, he does sit really close to David “Big Papi” Ortiz, and that guy looks like he’s had more than his share of pica de gallo, so maybe they figured some of that knowledge has to have rubbed off.

Still, even though we really sorta want to, we can’t move this one any higher than No. 5 because we’re sure not gonna try it.

No. 4: Glenn Beck chooses John McCain! Sort of! Except he only chose him because he wants him to die, so Sarah Palin can be president?

This is Glenn Beck’s actual endorsement from last year:

I have looked at the other candidates. I don’t see any of them that have the fire in the belly. I don’t see any of them that actually believe in you, who actually is you, except Sarah Palin. So I’m going to pull the lever for John McCain and let the Lord sort it out. I want somebody that just, whose compass points north. Even though all these candidates think their compass points north, it doesn’t. It’s pointing east and some places it’s pointing south. In Barack Obama it is pointing south. He says that it’s pointing north, it’s to you, but it’s not. It’s to the government, it’s to Washington, it’s to the special interests. John McCain I think points somewhere maybe northeast. It’s in the right direction but it’s not right. Sarah Palin points to you. I’m casting my vote for Sarah Palin.

No. 3: Kobe Bryant endorses Nutella

Sure, watching Kobe Bryant play basketball always made us want to drink Sprite and eat Nutella — not that there are many people watching NBA games who weren’t already doing just that — but that’s because the ad wizards made No. 24 the face of those products. The problem is, when Kobe got in trouble (lots of trouble!), the effect worked the other way. Suddenly all anyone associated Nutella with was rape. Ugh.

No. 2: Disgraced, incompetent former-Attorney General Alberto Gonzales endorses Eric Holder’s torture inquiry.

Perhaps this one’s all part of a diabolical plan to sabotage the inquiry. Maybe it’s something along the lines of Isiah Thomas’ years-long effort to systematically dismantle the New York Knicks from within — a plan he almost certainly hatched while still a member of the Detroit Pistons years earlier. Either way, just days-old, Alberto’s endorsement is nearly the worst one ever.

And at No. 1: The Ku Klux Klan comes out strongly in support of Augusta National’s no-women policy.

In 2003, the pre-Twitter world was atwitter over Augusta National’s policy of only allowing men as members. Our concern wasn’t so much that women weren’t members, but that we weren’t, so we didn’t take a side in the stalemate that saw protesting masses descend upon peaceful Augusta, Ga.

Then, without warning, along came the one endorsement Augusta National was probably hoping to avoid: the one from the Klan.

We intend on making speeches and picketing for the right of the Augusta National Club to include only members of their choice regardless of race, religion, sex or creed,” said J.J. Harper, identified by the newspaper as the imperial wizard of the American White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan.

Augusta National spokesman Glenn Greenspan distanced the club from the group that made the permit request Thursday.

“As a result of the controversy created by political activists, a number of organizations, some of them extreme, have sought to voice their political views,” Greenspan said. “Anyone who knows anything about Augusta National Golf Club or its members knows this is not something the club would welcome or encourage.”