Some Country for Old Men

Fat America, we were pretty disturbed this morning when we read this headline at CNN’s Political Ticker: “Poll: Americans support civil unions, oppose same-sex marriage.”

And despite knowing that we’d hate our country a little more after reading the story, we clicked the link anyway and found the following:

The Pew Research Center survey’s Friday release comes on the eve of President Barack Obama’s speech in front of gay rights advocates at the Human Rights Campaign banquet in the nation’s capital. The following day, same-sex activists plan to march on the Mall in Washington.

According to the poll, 57 percent of people questioned support civil unions, a slight uptick, with 37 percent opposed. The survey suggests that 53 percent oppose legalizing same sex marriage, with 39 percent in favor, basically unchanged from a year ago.

That’s not the most disheartening part. That’s this sentence:

The poll indicates that more than six in 10 say gays and lesbians face a lot of discrimination, more than any other group asked about in the survey.

Wow! More than 60 percent of respondents think that the gays face more discrimination than any other group, yet more than half the respondents oppose gay marriage! So, in other words, gay men and lesbian women have it rougher than anyone else, but they still don’t deserve the same rights as anyone else! That’s…stunning. It’s like America knows it’s ass backward but doesn’t want to admit it. Why not just tell the President he has to give up his seat for white people on the bus while you’re at it?

Just so we’re clear, Fat America (rant alert), we’re all equal, including the homos! That means that whether you think they’ll burn in the fiery pits of Hell for eternity, they still get to marry someone of the same sex and get all the rights the straights do! It’s called compassion. It’s called grace. It’s called equality.

And ALSO, just to be CLEARER: Marriage isn’t sacred. (We’re not even going to defend that opinion. We’re just putting it out there.) A marriage may be based on trust or giving a woman away from her father to her future husband or (insert other dated notion here), but it isn’t sacred. That’s just made up. Kind of like God, sitting on a cloud creating the world in six days and then needing a seventh to rest is made up. No one fucking someone else of the same sex in the privacy of his or her own home is actually going to harm you or your marriage in any way. That’s actually impossible, unless a straight guy watching two women getting married thinks such a union is so hot he dumps his wife for some hot lesbian action.

Anyspray, thus concludes the rant. If you don’t like us or agree with our reasoning, check Bill Maher’s New Rule about it. Or, ignore us — and him — and go back to being a status quo-loving fat American. Your choice.