Some Country for Old Men

Sorry. I meant Fat America.

Before I write about the stupid Duggar family and their brood of retards (apologies to real retards), here’s a message to the anti-haters (if we’re haters): We don’t give a shit that these are newborns or that the Duggars love Jesus. OK? OK.

And yes, this is a People magazine story we’re ripping on, which means that we’ve picked an easy target and have also lowered human discourse by commenting on their rag. The sad truth is millions of people read People each week, and that can’t be good for the country. I mean, imagine you’re a terrorist and you read that Fat Americans are obsessed with “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” Don’t you feel more justified bombing Fat America now?

I mean, look at this nonsense from People:

Mackynzie Renée Duggar is in for an avalanche of family attention: She’s not only the first grandchild in the reality TV clan, but she already has 17 aunts and uncles, plus one more on the way, since her grandparents Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are expecting their 19th child in the spring.

Forget the 19 kids thing and focus on perhaps the most disturbing aspects of this story: 1) The Duggar patriarch goes by JIM BOB, and 2) There’s a magazine out there celebrating that two people know how to fuck. At least AVN is honest about what they’re celebrating.

Shocker, this story gets worse.

Although Mackynzie is his first child, [her father] Josh [Duggar] knows all about raising babies. He’s the oldest child of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar of Tonitown, Ark., who went on to have twins Jana and John-David, 19; Jill, 18; Jessa, 16; Jinger, 15; Joseph, 14; Josiah, 13; Joy-Anna, 11; twins Jedidiah and Jeremiah, 10; Jason, 9; James, 8; Justin, 6; Jackson, 5; Johanna, 3; Jennifer, 2 and Jordyn-Grace, 9 months.

The newest Duggar’s name came from a combination Josh’s cousin’s name (Mackynzie) and Anna’s middle name (Renée), but the couple hasn’t completely committed to “M” being the letter to begin all their children’s names. The Duggars famously have chosen “J” names for all their children.

It’s not enough for the O.G. Duggars to bring 19 cracker-spawn onto the planet. They have to give them all “J” names. And they’re so lazy (or stupid, or both), they cheat and give some of the kids hyphenated names. Imagine being named Jordyn-Grace. Now everyone knows you’re white trash and that your parents thump Bibles. Of course, that doesn’t mean we’re going to miss the premiere of this season of “18 Kids and Counting.” That would be un-Fat American.