Some Country for Old Men

And everyone out there is black, which in this metaphor means fat. You’re so fat that you wrote a book called Fat!So? You’re so fat your cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard. You’re so fat you got baptized at Sea World. You’re so fat the last time you saw “90210″ you were on a scale.

Are we cruel? Maybe. Are you fat? Definitely.

So we were reading the LA Times this morning (yes, we know: big mistake), and we ran across this story about — and we swear we’re not making this up — fat activists. These unapologetic fatties are working toward a day “when fat phobia becomes as intolerable as racism.”

Nice idea (not really). Problem: Your logic is retarded. You can’t change the color of your skin unless you’re Michael Jackson (RIP). You can eat less McDonald’s. Or walk up a flight of stairs. Or get off your goddamn Segway.

Before we blow a gasket bitching about these fatties, we’re going to get into this article, breaking it down nearly line by line.

Getting heavy people to feel comfortable in their skin, however ample, and focus on healthy behaviors is only half the fat-acceptance battle; the other half is getting society to make room for fat people.

Anyone notice that the lede sentence has a fat joke? “However ample.” And society’s going to need to make room, for sure. Because fat people are fat and take up more space than the rest of us. Because they’re fat.

Marilyn Wann of San Francisco is among the nation’s fat activists.

Yes, apparently that’s a thing.

She became passionate about defending the rights of fat people when she was denied health insurance based solely on her weight.

You know what else she’s passionate about? Pizza.

That same week, a guy she’d been seeing told her he was embarrassed to introduce her to his friends because of her body.

We understand why he feels that way.

“If I’d kept silent, I would be yielding to discrimination,” said Wann, who is 43, 5 feet 4 and 290 pounds, and considers herself a healthy, physically active person.

Now, we’re not doctors and neither is Wann, but we’re sure our doctors and hers would agree that “healthy” and “physically active” are not the best descriptors for her. Unless her physical activity is eating pies.

“I don’t think anyone should be excluded from love or rights based on weight.”

On this point, we agree.

So, like growing numbers of Americans[...]

– ha! growing –

[...]in recent years, she spoke up. She started a zine for fat people, wrote the book “Fat!So?” and helped pass an ordinance in San Francisco making it illegal to discriminate based on height and weight. She now does corporate training to promote fat acceptance in the workplace. She’d like to change two beliefs: that people chose what they weigh, and that weight equals health. Both are false, she says.

Except they’re not false. Sure, people don’t choose their weight, per se. But they do have — barring some glandular problem — control over what they put in their bodies and how often they move. Again, barring say, a thyroid problem, there’s a contrast between eating spinach, walking a lot and not being fat, and eating spaghetti bolognese, not walking anywhere and being fat.

Size tolerance, fat-acceptance activists say, should be right up there with religious tolerance, ethnic tolerance and gay tolerance.

Again, false. Again, we’re talking, for the most part, choice. We’re talking effort. We’re talking not drinking a milkshake every day. If a black person wanted to change the color of his skin, he couldn’t (except Michael Jackson). No matter how hard gay people try not to be gay — even Larry Craig and Charlie Crist — they’re going to be gay. And sure, you can go from being a Christian to being a Jew, but it’s a more difficult process than not stuffing doughnuts in your face.

“It’s the culture that has to change,” says Judith Matz, director of the Chicago Center for Overcoming Overeating. “I look forward to the day when fat phobia becomes as intolerable as racism.”

And we look forward to the day when litter becomes lollipops.

Joanne Ikeda is emeritus professor of nutrition at UC Berkeley, where she taught nutritional sciences for 37 years. She’s also a member of the National Assn. to Advance Fat Acceptance.

Oh, oh! And let us guess: She’s also fat.

“I joined NAAFA because I wanted to hear these people’s stories, and get insight into their experiences. When I heard people talk about going to the grocery store and having strangers take food out of their carts, I wanted to cry.”

In fairness, you shouldn’t walk up to a fat person in a grocery store and remove food from her cart. That’s really fucked up. Plus, it’s playing with fire.

Ikeda, who is 65, 5 feet 2 and 190 pounds with a BMI of 34.7, says others make unfair and untrue assumptions about fat people.

First, we were correct. She’s fat. Second, what’s this about unfair assumptions?

“People assume if you’re heavy, that you’re lazy, and that you have no self-control . . . . They think you’re stupid, and don’t exercise. If I could give one message, it would be, ‘Don’t prejudge.’ “

We don’t think fat people are stupid.

Most people feel ambivalent about fat people, says Lesleigh Owen of Monrovia, who is president of the Los Angeles chapter of NAAFA. “They think they should treat people well regardless of their size, but also view them as a big problem driving up healthcare costs.”

LOL! Big problem! Anyone notice this article is bursting with fat jokes?

Owen, who is 35, 5-feet-7 and 360 pounds, teaches sociology at Chaffey College in Rancho Cucamonga. She’s married and likes how she looks. She swims and belly dances. “I consider myself very healthy, and I think my doctor would agree.”

Which doctor is this? The one who killed Michael Jackson? We’d love to get your doctor’s opinion.

“When people say fatties are driving up the healthcare costs, I want to point out how arbitrary that is that they would single out that group and not the people who talk on their cellphones while driving, or who don’t wear helmets or seat belts, or who drive too fast, or who are stressed out all the time. Where’s the hue and cry about them?”

OK, let’s stop being deluded. We understand that you think you’re happy with the way you look. But your delusion shouldn’t extend to rising health care costs and their links to obesity. That’s not arbitrary. It’s fact. And as for your ridiculous suggestion that there’s no uproar about any of the other things you mention, here’s an article about banning texting while driving. Here’s a statement about wearing a fucking helmet. There are 49 states with seat belt laws. We’re guessing there was a hue and cry about those things, because rarely do laws and ordinances get passed because everyone’s cool with, say, drunk driving. As for an outcry about driving too fast, really? Really? You’re throwing that in with being fat? Are you fat? You sound fat.

“It’s true, we shouldn’t judge people by their weight,” says Janet Pregler, director of the Iris Cantor-UCLA Women’s Health Center and a professor of clinical medicine at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA. “Obesity is not their fault. But it isn’t true that we should stop trying to help them.”

We agree. We suggest you start with Michael Pollan’s book, In Defense of Food. His simple suggestion: “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.” There, we just helped you. And, Dr. Pregler, “Obesity is not their fault”? Categorically? Again, we’re not doctors, but that seems disingenuous.

Meanwhile, folks like Wann, Ikeda and Owen are trying — not for thinness, but for overall good health. Not for personal acceptance, which they’ve achieved, but for more acceptance from society. And they’re gaining it — slowly.

Of course, they’d probably gain it faster if they weren’t so fat. Or did cardio.