Finally someone addresses the really important stuff in life. Twice! The second installment of the New York Times‘ “100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do” has arrived. (Read part 1 here.)
We know, we know. Not everyone out there has a culinary establishment that needs rules like these. No one expects the people working at the counter at McDonald’s to be friendly or polite or to give a shit that you don’t like mayonnaise (it’s fast food, for Christ’s sake, not haute cuisine). In the finer establishments, though, it’s no surprise that people get rankled by crap service. What is a surprise is that there is crap service. Here are some of out favorite things restaurant staffers should never do, according to Bruce Buschel:
52. Know your menu inside and out. If you serve Balsam Farm candy-striped beets, know something about Balsam Farm and candy-striped beets.
And know that Nueske’s bacon sucks.
57. Bring the pepper mill with the appetizer. Do not make people wait or beg for a condiment.
Yes. No waiting.
60. Bring all the appetizers at the same time, or do not bring the appetizers. Same with entrees and desserts.
Agreed. (The companion to this rule is #17: Do not take an empty plate from one guest while others are still eating the same course. Wait, wait, wait.)
62. Do not fill the water glass every two minutes, or after each sip. You’ll make people nervous.
Yes. Stay the fuck away from my water glass until it’s nearly empty. See #62(a).
62(a). Do not let a glass sit empty for too long.
65. Always remove used silverware and replace it with new.
Yes. I left my fork on the plate for a reason. Take it with you. Don’t return it to me.
68. Do not reach across one guest to serve another.
“Pardon my reach” does not excuse this one. You just let me know you’re a prick. I’ll pardon your reach of you let me dock you 1 percent.
77. Do not disappear.
Seriously. You can calculate how many points you lost on the tip by how long you’re out of my line of sight.
84. Do not refill a coffee cup compulsively. Ask if the guest desires a refill.
Yeah. Do you know how difficult it is to get the cream/sugar ratio figured out for a coffee with which one is unfamiliar? When I’ve finally managed to reach a good balance I don’t need you to screw it up.
85. Never bring a check until someone asks for it. Then give it to the person who asked for it.
Don’t rush me. Ever. I don’t give a shit how busy you think you are.
88. Do not ask if a guest needs change. Just bring the change.
Such a simple rule. Why is it so difficult to follow?
94. Do not play an entire CD of any artist. If someone doesn’t like Frightened Rabbit or Michael Bublé, you have just ruined a meal.
Ack. Yes. I don’t want to hear your Bob Marley playlist, either. This is a big problem in New Haven, Conn., for some reason.
99. Do not show frustration. Your only mission is to serve. Be patient. It is not easy.
Also know that most difficult (or maybe less outwardly “nice” patrons) tip well. So take it the fuck easy.
Buschel also throws in a couple great suggestions from readers — hard to believe — that didn’t make his lists. And here’s one that we think should be near the top: Strike the phrase “you guys” from the restaurant lexicon.
Here are a few that reeeeally need to be added:
1. Don’t ask “How’s everything tasting?” Bleh. Poor word choice. “How is everything?” suffices.
2. When seating the guest, don’t put the menu on top of the unused silverware. Think where that menu’s been.
3. Don’t ask if “we’re ready” to order. You’re not eating with me.
