Oprah’s on at 4 p.m. EST, and you betcha we’ll be live blogging that crap.
4:00 Oh holy crap, ya’ll. Ominous music! We’ll be talking Bristol, Levi, Katie Couric, and everything else. Oprah’s been waiting! “She’s finally here!”
4:01 Loving embrace! This is gonna get ugly real fast.
4:02 It’s time to talk about the Palin snub! Oh let’s break it down, everyone. Oprah reminds us that she supported Barry, and that’s why she chose to have no candidates on. Sarah smiles, images of ponies and unicorns dancing through her head.
4:04 Tell us about your first meeting with Johnny Mac, SP. Palin says she didn’t consider herself a real viable candidate for VP. Shocking! She also says she never doubted that she’d be a good VP. After all, she had “executive experience.” Wtvr.
4:06 Sarah has skeletons! She got a D in college. What she didn’t tell them is that it was her best grade. Hey-O!
4:07 For all the ladies out there, Sarah Palin is wearing some kind of green thing. You’re welcome.
4:07 This is not Palin’s best forum because she has to formulate ideas on the fly. Maybe we can move this to Facebook? Will that work for you, Oprah?
4:08 Palin was excited to announce Bristol’s pregnancy because it made hers a real American family. As if a family that hunts moose from helicopters and races snow machines isn’t real enough already.
4:09 Palin hated it…HATED IT that her kids were in the news. Obama’s kids weren’t in the news! What about all of Sarah’s MALIAS AND SASHAS!?! What about them!?!
4:10 After the break, LEVI and Katie COURIC! YAYAYAYAYAY!
4:11 Aw, shit! This thing just got all meta with a Palin ad within a Palin interview. Tune in tomorrow for Palin vs. Barbara Walters, featuring such questions as: all the same things that will be asked today.
4:14 Oh, let’s relive something awesome! Here we go! File footage of McCain being introduced. Palin’s memory: “Oh boy, John McCain IS a maverick.”
4:16 Palin says it was great that so much clothing was provided to her because she “doesn’t like to shop.” It’s ironic because she spent many thousands of dollars on clothes.
4:18 Palin studied for debates and Q&A sessions with index cards. For some reason, she was surprised that they wanted to use McCain’s talking points instead of just letting Palin Go Rogue.
4:20 Palin blames their loss not on her not being allowed to Go Rogue, but on the economy tanking. “I don’t think I was to blame for losing the race any more than I could’ve been credited with winning the race if I’d been a better candidate.” In other words, Sarah Palin is retarded.
4:23 Katie Couric time. Apparently Palin thought it was supposed to be light-hearted — a working mom to working mom sort of thing. WTF?
4:24 “If people only saw that interview, I don’t blame them for thinking I was ill qualified and ill prepared.”
4:26 Palin says she’s a “lover of books and magazines,” but for some reason, she still can’t name one she reads.
4:27 OMG, she saw the situation as a problem with the “state of journalism,” and that’s why she didn’t name anything. She refused to answer questions because she was annoyed. That’s her actual explanation.
4:28 Yikes! She just referred to Couric as “the perky one,” adding after being questions who she was referring to, “with all due respect.”
4:29 Palin says she understands why a woman would consider having an abortion because she had a baby with Down Syndrome. And because of that, she’s staunchly pro-life. What?
4:33 Levi time! Palin’s making grumpy faces.
4:34 “We don’t wanna mess up this gig he’s got going. His aspiring. His aspiring porn.”
4:36. Aw, warm fuzzies. Palin says she’ll continue to pray for Levi because he’s got such a “beautiful” child. Still, she’s mad that Levi is being pushed to do interviews by a man named Tank.
4:38 She doesn’t think Levi has any understanding of what he’s doing right now. We’d imagine that considering he’s showing wang for Playgirl, he probably has some idea.
4:39 Palin’s such a great mom! After talking a bunch of shit and saying she condemns Levi’s “porn” and antics, she extends an “open invitation for Levi” to come over for Thanksgiving. Barf.
4:41 Ew sick. Just saw the trailer for “Avatar.” Looks worse than anything Sarah Palin could’ve written.
4:42 Dude, Sarah Palin is like, so real. We’re watching some footage of the family at home. She’s doing something with Trig, who she says is “so cool.” Then we’re off to the gym, where “sweat is my sanity.”
4:43 Yikes, poor choice of words. “It’s nice not to be…handled so much.”
4:44 Oh man, trick-or-treeting with the family. Trig is going as a chicken? And Piper is going as…Todd, we think. That or a Power Ranger. SNOW MACHINES.
4:47 To give you an idea of the demographic ABC thinks is watching the Palin interview, that’s three times they’ve shown the trailer for the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie.
4:48 Re: the post-election concession speech by McCain: “I was disappointed. You don’t run a race to lose.” Strange, that’s not how it looked, loser.
4:50 Oh man. Oprah just got so real, y’all! She’s asking the tough questions about gender roles and raising kids and Todd and blah blah blah. “There’s so much equality in me and Todd’s relationship.”
4:51 In talking about breaking gender-role stereotypes, Palin uses a cooking idiom. Well played.
4:53 So why’d you quit, Sarah? Once again she trots out the “I didn’t want to be a lame duck” defense. Oprah: “You said you could better serve the American people and the Alaskan people by not being governor. I don’t understand that.” Duh, it’s because she was a terrible governor.
4:54 The inevitable presidency question comes up, and naturally Palin “hasn’t thought about it.” Why? Because she hasn’t thought about anything.
4:57 Should we be worried that Palin will get her own regular full-time sexy talk show? Oh yes we should! Even though Oprah is the QUEEN.
4:58 Inspiration jibber jabber love fest. Do you want some final words, Sarah? Wanna give any plugs to Jesus or Todd? No? Okay, then.
4:58 Oh GOD, shut up!
4:59 Was that the worst thing we’ve ever seen on TV? Yes. And we’ve seen both Kristen Wiig on SNL and literally seconds of “Mind of Mencia.”
