Yeah. Really. Kids. Let’s be honest: They’re terrible. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again. Your kids are not special. We know you think they’re special. We’re just telling you, they’re not.
Congratulations! One of 4,000,000 sperm fertilized that egg. Here’s your fucking award: a screaming, crying homunculus nincompoop who will swallow about $650,000 of your hard-earned dollars, and that’s before you send the little fungus to Brown.
Here’s exhibit #4352-B in the ongoing case of SCFOM v. Stupid White People. A Glad commercial. You know, the trash bags. It has all the things we hate. Precocious kids. Ugly kids. Kids with stupid names. Jew ‘fros. Red heads. And parents acting as if cleaning up after dinner is just, like, so hard. Let’s go to the tape!
Of course, some asshole on YouTube has labeled this “Cute commercial.” This person is clearly caught up in a web of parental bliss and probably hasn’t had sex with his or her partner in six months because, you know, they fell in love with their children or whatever stupid thing white people say when they’re more interested in their kids than they are their spouses.
I mean, really. The little red head dipshit on the left is named Skylar. Skylar? Why don’t you just name him “Paste Eater”? And by the way, Skylar is a girl’s name.
Also awful: Kids giving tips to adults. Nope. That’s never, never, never cute. There was this one time when a kid gave me advice about how consolidate my credit card bills into one easy payment, and then he peed his pants. Because he was 3.
Know the worst part of “Family Ties”? When they made that little punk-ass Brian Bonsall a four-year-old who cracked wise with his older brother Alex P. Keaton. Know where Brian Bonsall is now? This is just a guess, but: Crystal meth.
Back to this stupid commercial that sucks (and everyone who had anything to do with its creation should be destroyed): Kid on the right — your stupid gap-toothed smile is not charming or cute. Know what I think of when I think of you? Joe Buck as a kid, and he must have sucked because Joe Buck as an adult is a total motherfucker. Don’t know who Joe Buck is? Stop reading the Harry Potter books and play a sport that isn’t lacrosse, dick.
SCFOM rests its case.
