Some Country for Old Men

Anyone who had any doubts as to how awesome Texas Gov. Rick Perry is need have doubts no more! Seems that while the secessionist-favoring, God-fearing, wife-beating (guess) governor was enjoying a jog the other morning, a wily coyote jumped out of the bushes and ran toward his dog.

Naturally, Perry pulled the laser-sighted pistol he keeps in his waistband — while jogging — and blew the coyote to smithereens. Or, in Perry’s words, turned him into mulch.

Perry said he will carry his .380 Ruger – loaded with hollow-point bullets – when jogging on trails because he is afraid of snakes. He’d also seen coyotes in the undeveloped area.

When one came out of the brush toward his daughter’s Labrador retriever, Perry charged.

“Don’t attack my dog or you might get shot … if you’re a coyote,” he said Tuesday.

Perry told The Associated Press on Tuesday he needed just one shot from the laser-sighted pistol he sometimes carries while jogging to take down a coyote that menaced his puppy during a February run near Austin.

We don’t have a problem with shooting coyotes. We do have a problem when a person’s reason for shooting a coyote doesn’t make sense. Have you ever seen a southern coyote? They’re tiny. They’re about two feet long (maybe).

Also, and this is the really important part, no coyote we’ve ever been near — and we’ve been near a few (don’t ask) — would come anywhere near a human. Unless it has rabies, in which case it may try to tear your eyes out and piss on your skull just because it’s bored on a Saturday night. But nothing in the good governor’s description makes us think this coyote was loco.

Let’s hear Perry’s version:

I’m enjoying the run when something catches my eye and it’s this coyote. I know he knows I’m there. He never looks at me, he is laser-locked on that dog,” Perry said.

“I holler and the coyote stopped. I holler again. By this time I had taken my weapon out and charged it. It is now staring dead at me. Either me or the dog are in imminent danger. I did the appropriate thing and sent it to where coyotes go,” he said.

Perry said the laser-pointer helped make a quick, clean kill.

“It was not in a lot of pain,” he said. “It pretty much went down at that particular juncture.”

Texas state law allows people to shoot coyotes that are threatening livestock or domestic animals. The dog was unharmed, Perry said.

We would have believed your story a lot more if you’d had to shoot the dog because it got scratched up by the coyote. (Aside: Was the governor’s gun made by Acme?) And although the the gov’s use of the word juncture is not technically incorrect (a juncture can be a moment in time), we think he probably was using juncture to mean “location,” and unless the shooting took place at, say, a railroad juncture, he’s using the wrong word.

But clearly the coyote apparently was packing heat as he was “laser-locked” on the dog. So good work, Gov.!

Anyway, aside from this AP story, there’s no record of the governor discharging a weapon. Why would there be?

Perry’s security detail was not required to file a report about the governor discharging a weapon, said Department of Public Safety spokeswoman Tela Mange.

“People shoot coyotes all the time, snakes all the time,” Mange said. “We don’t write reports.”

Her name is Mange. And this is a story about a coyote attacking a dog. Ha!

Oh, Texas. Keep executing innocents, sentencing retards to 100 years, rewriting history and shooting coyotes. We still love you.