Some Country for Old Men

Well hey, we’re not doing anything else, so let’s kick this sucker off. Y’all ready for this!?

State of the Union time, baby! Let’s get it on!

9:07 This is, of course, the most important part of the speech. Who’s on the center aisle? Who transcended party labels and waited literally HOURS to get his picture taken with the President!? Obviously, Sheila Jackson-Lee, that’s who. Christ.

9:08 Just in case you’re watching along at home, we should point out that we’re watching on MSNBC. If you’re watching on FOX News, you’re probably seeing a different feed. There are not actually horns on Obama’s head.

9:09 Obama greets the Joint Chiefs. Totally cool to ask if they’re gay now.

9:10 Wow, Pelosi’s wearing a lot of makeup tonight. And a suit! Weird!

9:12 Oh man, big hand for the new Speaker! And an even bigger hand for Gabby Giffords! Hooray for everyone!9:13 WTF, Obama!? One week after telling us to stop fighting, you’re defending fighting!? I’m confused.

9:14 Ugh, really shouldn’t have read the draft of the speech. This is totally boring now. Yawn.

9:15 Saxby Chambliss is totally cool with working with Democrats now. Just not if they’re war heroes and wounded veterans, in which case they must be defeated for opposing freedom.

9:16 Anyone know what’s up with the crazy spider sculpture in front of Boehner?

9:17 John Boehner is playing with fire drinking water during this sucker. Everyone knows water is just tear fuel!

9:19 With all the beautiful bipartisan couples at this year’s State of the Union, can we get a kiss cam?

9:20 We were the first nation founded based on an idea? That doesn’t sound right. Could’ve sworn Iceland was founded for AWESOMENESS.

9:21 This strikes me as one part of the Speaker’s job he won’t be liking. No easy way to sneak a smoke from there.

9:23 Only scattered applause for facebook? Doesn’t bode well for The Social Network’s Oscar hopes.

9:24 “Sputnik moment” was a line the White House actually released ahead of time. Turned out to get zero applause. Seems about right. (What’s a Sputnik?)

9:26 And there they are!! Gillibrand and Thune! Tonight’s prom king and queen!

9:28 Oh man, this integrated seating is killing me! I can’t tell at all what I should be happy about anymore!

9:30 “We’ll show you the money!” First facebook reference, check. And now the first Jerry McGuire reference, check. Big big day for Hollywood.

9:34 Joe Biden can’t even stop relaxing during this speech. Has anyone ever taken the State of the Union less seriously? (Yes, George W. Bush)

9:36 Yeah, you want to take up illegal immigration? That’s your big plan for bringing people TOGETHER!? You’re doing it wrong.

9:38 America may be the country that built the transcontinental railroad, but that was Chinese people. Just sayin’

9:40 Glad I’m not sitting in Boehner’s seat. I’d have spray-on tan all over my pants. Kidding! It’s because I’m bored.

9:43 Not surprisingly, Rep. Paul Broun is one of Obama’s biggest critics tonight. Of course, he’s a moron.

9:45 Barack Obama: totally willing to compromise on aspects of health care, as long as it doesn’t mean changing anything in the health care bill. So suck it, you guys.

9:47 Interesting that Obama’s forward-looking speech is now focusing on legislation that was passed last year and repealed last week.

9:50 What!? No applause for Dwight Eisenhower!? What is wrong with this Congress!?

9:52 Sorry to go back to Paul Broun’s twitter feed, but the guy just keeps tweeting the same four things. It’s like a Paul Broun sound board. We get it: you have a balanced budget amendment.

9:53 Oh snap! Millionaires should have to give up tax cuts!? What’s next? Are we gonna make John McCain stop being an asshole? These are pretty unrealistic asks, Mr. President.

9:53 Obama says the last major reorganization of government happened during the age of black and white TVs. Pretty sure the last reorganization was adding the Department of Homeland Security after 9/11… Soooo…

9:55 Everyone laughed at Obama’s salmon joke the same way I laugh at my dad’s jokes. Out of politeness and in hopes that the awkwardness will go away quickly.

9:56 Obama just took a strong stand against earmarks, making exactly two people in America really happy: Jeff Flake and Walnuts McCain.

9:58 Cheap applause line: “Hey, check it everyone…SOLDIERS!”

9:59 Some of these seating arrangements are awkward. Kerry-McCain, Schumer-Coburn, but is there anything creepier than Strom Thurmond and Robert C. Byrd? Talk about a political odd couple!!

9:59 Haha, Obama’s actually trying to talk about Iraq! That’s funny!

10:00 To al Qaeda: “We will not relent, we will not waver, and we will defeat you.” Where’ve we heard that before? Oh right, every single year since 2001.

10:02 Hill Dawg looks so FIERCE, y’all!!

10:03 This speech is boring, but I appreciate the cutaways to McCain. Appreciate the frequent reminders of what terribleness could be speaking to us.

10:05 Someone should really talk to Boehner after this speech and let him know that next year he should try to douche it up a little less.

10:06 Oh man, John Boehner can’t even clap for not discriminating against gay people? Wow. Wake up, mofos. It ain’t 1950.

10:08 There’s a big applause line! Can we all clap for being Americans!? No Doubt! America F— Yeah!

10:09 Full on assault on John Boehner! Make. Him. Cry! Make. Him. Cry!

10:11 Big whoop. This guy helped the Chilean miners!? How about something someone did this year?

10:13 Obama employing his dramatic whisper voice…getting close to the big finish!

10:13 And the state of our union is… STRONG!! Hooray!

10:17 What’s with all the autograph requests going on now? Those suckers are going on ebay!!