Here’s the deal, everyone? This shit? This shit is retarded. You don’t have to go that far back in our history to see what a demagogue looks like, and, surprise of surprises, they look a lot like Louis Gohmert. From the fight against the “Ground Zero Mosque” — which incidentally is run by a guy who worked for the Bush State Department — to pushing the silly and unsubstantiated idea that there are Terror Babies, this has all gone too far.

If the idea of 9/11 was to make us afraid, it worked. If the idea was to make us unsafe in our own world, it worked. If it was to make us turn on each other for no good reason, it’s happening right now. We’re better than that. At least we should be better than that.

But as long as people like Louis Gohmert are allowed to run wild, spread totally-unfounded xenophobic stories of Islamists-coming-to-kill-us, we’ve lost. George W. Bush said over and over that this whole battle is about freedom. It was a stupid slogan, but as you watch an effort to strip protections from the Constitution and divide this country along religious and social lines, does this still look like a place where freedom rings?

Then we read this little nugget on CNN’s Political Ticker:

It was the F-word heard around the world and now Vice President Biden has expressed regret to a Kentucky teenager for using the crude language during the signing ceremony of the health care reform legislation in March.

“I should have expressed my excitement in a more appropriate manner,” Biden wrote in a two-paragraph letter to high school student Brandon Halcomb. The letter comes after the 16-year old penned an open letter to the vice president criticizing his choice of language, according to Kentucky’s WYMT News.

Cuh-rist. Vice President Joe Biden finally commits a gaffe that he doesn’t need to apologize for and then he apologizes for it. The gaffe that has inspired White House-condoned T-shirts!

And why? So some mouth-breathing nerd teen who’s probably practicing abstinence because no cheerleader will touch him can feel better about himself. Except he doesn’t! Check it:

But Holcomb, who says he’s not sure if he is a Republican or a Democrat, isn’t completely satisfied with the response.

“It was not really an apology, but that’s as close to an apology as I will be receiving,” he said.

Let’s make something clear. This kid is a Republican. We know because 1) Both Republicans and Democrats would have the thought, “Gee, maybe the V.P. shouldn’t say stuff like that,” and 2) Only a Republican would demand an apology. Also: The Vice President of the United States addressed your dumb demand directly, kid. Show a little respect.

The Kentucky teenager also said he will continue to make sure politicians are responsible for their actions.

“They are role models,” he said. “They need to watch what they say in front of people and realize they influence other people’s lives.”

OK! We’re sure the kid is drafting letters of admonition and demands for apology from John Edwards, John McCain, Michael Steele, Mark Sanford, John Ensign, and…God, this list could go on forever.

And Joe, don’t apologize for saying the coolest thing any V.P. has said since Aaron Burr said, “Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow. Delay may give clearer light as to what is best to be done.” Of course, he went ahead and shot Alexander Hamilton anyway, something that definitely could have used another day’s deliberation, but that’s not the point.

The point is that you’ve uttered one for the history books, Joe, and you’ve continued to be you despite fears that you’d become less than you. So well done! And huzzah!

“You know, John, I’ve always been most interested in the business of Joe Lieberman. It doesn’t matter whether the party wants me or whether I’m an independent. I’m going to do whatever I can to win. If that means betraying the people of Connecticut by throwing my weight behind John McCain and Sarah Palin, then that’s what it means. If that means supporting a Medicare buy-in for health care and then claiming I never supported it, that’s what it means. If it means I can wield power however I choose and threaten to filibuster something that Democrats want because they shut me out, fine. Good luck to gay Charlie Crist.”

The stuff that will make your head explode hits toward the end of this clip.

[CNN]

Speaking at a Democratic fundraiser in Miami Thursday night, the president touted tax cuts in the stimulus measure and the fact that the tax rate has not been increased for those making less than $250,000 a year.

“So I’ve been amused in recent days by these people having rallies,” he told the crowd at the fundraiser to laughter. “I think they should be saying thank you.”

Right. He said, “I’ve been amused,” etc. “[T]hey should be saying thank you,” etc.

But what he really means is: You’re stupid. You’re so, so stupid. I can’t believe how stupid you teabaggers are. Suck it. SUCK. IT.

But he’s the president, and he can’t really say that, so it came out as, “Thank you.” Po-ta-to, po-tah-to, you know?

Actual transcript:

“How can you get a volcano in Iceland, isn’t it too… when you think of a volcano, you think of like Hawaii and long words like that. You don’t think of Iceland. You think it’s too cold to have a volcano there, but noooo. There it is.”

Ugh. Apparently this is what happens, though, when everything you know about geology, you learned from “Joe Versus The Volcano.”

Such is the conundrum of the contemporary nutjob Teabagger (remember, tebagging means you want balls in your face). If the member of Congress you’re trying to intimidate isn’t black you can’t send a noose because that just wouldn’t be crazy enough to send a noose to a white person! And in that case it’s only mildly racist.

Nah, what you want to do is take a condom, unwrap it, maybe use it (but apparently not use it) and then put it in a bag and send the bag to Rep. Betty McCollum (D-Minn.) who voted for health care reform. Take a look!

[Rep. Betty McCollum's] spokeswoman told CNN that inside one letter received Thursday was a condom, removed from its original packaging.

McCollum’s spokeswoman Maria Reppas said Thursday that the congresswoman’s district office in St. Paul received the condom in an envelope dated March 23, along with an anonymous typed letter reading: “Betty McCollum you’ve been dry f***** by the liberal party.”

The condom had been removed from its original packaging and placed in a plastic bag, according to McCollum’s district director.

Her office also reported receiving part of a shredded American flag doused in gasoline and a typed letter addressed to McCollum, Rep. Keith Ellison, Sen. Amy Klobuchar and Sen. Al Franken – all Democrats from Minnesota.

“Each of you receives part of a shredded American flag,” the letter read. “It represents Obama and your liberal filth. Open the bag, it’s covered in the stench you’ve brought to our government … Because of you, we are now a country of dirt, shame, corruption and slime.”

Nothing like sending a condom in the mail to be taken seriously — by the cops. By the way, we assume an organization such as CNN would report on whether there was actual filth and stench on the flag, not just gasoline, and we can only assume there wasn’t. So nice job sending a bag with stench! Try to wash your hands to get it off, you Commie assholes!

Oh…you did wash your hands? And the smell came off? Dial antibacterial soap?

Oh.

Sadly, there were no nurse sharks nearby.

Sorry.

[CNN]

UPDATE: It was not Shamu; it was some other whale. We got bad info from Larry King. Also, yes, confession: we get all our news from Larry King’s twitter.

Before we all go giving each other hand jobs over this piece of news, remember that we’re talking about Joe Lieberdouche and legislation. That means that he could support repealing “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” on Monday and then change his mind Thursday. And don’t underestimate his love for John McCain in all this nonsense, either.

Now that we’ve shit in the salad, here’s what Droopy Dog actually said. From CNN’s Political Ticker:

I will be proud to be a sponsor of the important effort to enable patriotic gay Americans to defend our national security and our founding values of freedom and opportunity,” Lieberman said in a statement. “I have opposed the current policy of preventing gay Americans from openly serving in the military since its enactment in 1993.

“To exclude one group of Americans from serving in the armed forces is contrary to our fundamental principles as outlined in the Declaration of Independence and weakens our defenses by denying our military the service of a large group of Americans who can help our cause,” he said. “I am grateful for the leadership of President Obama to repeal the policy and the support of Secretary Gates and Chief of Staff Admiral Mullen.”

Then he said he needed a bowl of kibble, and retreated to his office for an afternoon nap.