I know what you’re thinking: Wouldn’t a movie that was just the phrase, “Oh, grow the fuck up,” be really boring to watch for two hours? Well, guess what? They shot some pictures for this piece of shit and actually strung them together.

Don’t forget to watch the whole trailer because there’s a surprise at the end (JOHN GALT IS A TRANSVESTITE): IT’S JUST PART ONE.

“It’s a flat-out lie,” [Norman] Dennison said [of climate change] in an interview after the debate, adding that he had based his view on the preaching of Rush Limbaugh and the teaching of Scripture. “I read my Bible,” Mr. Dennison said. “He made this earth for us to utilize.”

That’s what we’re dealing with. A guy who thinks a book written by people thousands of years ago holds more sway than science. And there are millions of morons like him out there. And they all vote.

Writer Sara Murray doesn’t come right out and say that Americans are stupid, lazy hypocrites but, hey, we read between the lines and are doing it for her. Americans are stupid, lazy hypocrites. (They’re also fat but that’s another story for another day).

We’ve all heard lately that the deficit is booming, there’s too much government spending, Social Security’s fucked, etc. All of those things are true, of course. Why? Well, the deficit is booming because someone has to kick start the economy and tax cuts for rich people aren’t going to do it. And yes, just in case you’re wondering, the stimulus worked. Certainly not the way the administration thought it would and not as well as it could have, either — because the administration made the mistake of thinking that Americans are rational, thoughtful people — but it did. Just not well enough.

So enough of the background. Here’s what we mean when we say Americans are the problem:

Efforts to tame America’s ballooning budget deficit could soon confront a daunting reality: Nearly half of all Americans live in a household in which someone receives government benefits, more than at any time in history.

At the same time, the fraction of American households not paying federal income taxes has also grown — to an estimated 45% in 2010, from 39% five years ago, according to the Tax Policy Center, a nonpartisan research organization.

Oops.

Yet even as Americans express concern over the deficit in opinion polls, many oppose benefit cuts, particularly with the economy on an uneven footing. A Wall Street Journal/NBC News poll conducted late last month found 61% of voters were “enthusiastic” or “comfortable” with congressional candidates who support cutting federal spending in general. But 56% expressed the same enthusiasm for candidates who voted to extend unemployment benefits.

Of course they do! Because they don’t understand how money and business and spending and government works. And guess what? It’s actually not that difficult. Here’s how the government entitlement part goes: If you want Medicare (and judging by how many people want the government to keep their filthy hands off Medicare, you do), you have to pay for it. The way you pay for it is by taxes!

Also: If you want Social Security, you have to pay for it — as a payroll tax! See, that’s how entitlement programs work. They have to be paid for somehow. Social security isn’t a handout; you pay into it with every paycheck (assuming your employer isn’t a total scumbag). The problem with Social Security isn’t that it’s welfare (it isn’t). The problem is that when it was enacted the population was about 130,000,000, lived until they were about 65 or died in World War II. Now the population is about 300,000,000 and everyone is really fucking old.

We’re not suggesting that there’s not waste in government. Any system that would employ Charlie Rangel for 40 years has serious problems. We’re just saying that if you want spending limited, you may have to take a cut in something you enjoy. We’re perfectly prepared to eat baloney for a couple months. Is the rest of America? Well, they’re already eating baloney and it’s making them fat. But we’re talking about eating baloney from a symbolic and from a monetary point of view, you know, baloney being cheap…

Oh, fuck it. Long story short: Americans are stupid.

If the Tea Party video hasn’t convinced you, maybe this HealthDay article will. Sure, it’s a couple weeks old, but we had an Old 96er to get through. Anyway, here’s some really frightening/hilarious information from the story:

Thirty percent of those in the “overweight” class believed they were actually normal size, while 70 percent of those classified as obese felt they were simply overweight. Among the heaviest group, the morbidly obese, almost 60 percent pegged themselves as obese, while another 39 percent considered themselves merely overweight.

In a word: Gah! And if you needed further evidence that those who look in the mirror and see that extra 30 pounds as normal are stupid, well, you’re stupid. And you have body image problems. And you need to see a therapist. And you need to go to the gym.

The one not-funny thing about this story is that 30 pounds overweight is the new normal. “Super Size Me” isn’t scary. It’s reality. Where’s Jamie Oliver when you need him?

Anyway, watch these people — mostly fat people — restore freedom all over Washington, D.C. The guy playing the piccolo at the beginning gets points for being awesome (no irony).

That $20 billion in an escrow account? It’s a shakedown. A SHAKEDOWN, motherfucker. And you’d be a fool and communist to think otherwise.

Look, we’re not saying that Joe Barton is crazy (he’s fucking crazy), but when John Boehner, who looks like he tans with oil, disagrees with you openly, you’re really on the shit side of correct.

Here’s Joe Barton’s fucknuts statement. Even for a guy from an oil baron state, this is bananas. Oh and there’s video, too! This is really one of those only-in-America things.

I’m speaking now totally for myself, I’m not speaking for the Republican Party, I’m not speaking for anybody in the House of Representatives, but myself. But I’m ashamed of what happened in the White House yesterday.

I think it is a tragedy of the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown, in this case a $20 billion shakedown, with the Attorney General of the United States, who is legitimately conducting a criminal investigation and has every right to do so to protect the interests of the American people, participating in what amounts to a $20 billion slush fund that’s unprecedented in our nation’s history, that’s got not legal standing, and which sets I think a terrible precedent for the future.

If I called you into my office and I had the subcommittee chairman, Mr. Stupak, with me, who was legitimately conducting an oversight investigation on your company, and said if you put so many millions of dollars in a project in my my Congressional district, I could go to jail. And should go to jail.

Now there is no question that British Petroluem owns this lease, there is no question that British Petro– BP, I’m sorry, it’s not ‘British Petroleum’ anymore — that BP made decisions that objective people think compromised safety. There is no question that BP is liable for the damages. But we have a due process system where we go through hearings, and in some cases court cases, litigation, and determine what those damages are and when those damages should be paid.

So I’m only speaking for myself, I’m not speaking for anybody else. But I apologize. I do not want to live in a country where any time a citizen or a corporation does something that is legitimately wrong, is subject to to some sort of political pressure that is, again, in my words, amounts to a shakedown. So I apologize.

[via TPM]