I know what you’re thinking: Wouldn’t a movie that was just the phrase, “Oh, grow the fuck up,” be really boring to watch for two hours? Well, guess what? They shot some pictures for this piece of shit and actually strung them together.

Don’t forget to watch the whole trailer because there’s a surprise at the end (JOHN GALT IS A TRANSVESTITE): IT’S JUST PART ONE.

Issue ONE: Apparently the Census data was released today, and crummy crazy-person states are poised to pick up like a million seats in Congress because everyone is leaving New York and moving to Utah. (What?) Maybe it’s for the warm weather or open spaces. Maybe it’s to get away from traffic or to find cheaper housing.

WRONG!

According to disgraced diaper-wearing, prostitute-frequenting Sen. David Vitter (R-La.), his state is poised to lose one of its House seats because of, you guessed it, illegal immigrants! SERIOUSLY!

Louisiana Sen. David Vitter (R) blamed illegal immigrants for his state’s having lost a congressional seat in the Census Bureau’s reapportionment.

Vitter said that Louisiana had lost a seat because other states were welcoming of illegal immigrants, who were in turn counted in population totals used to determine the number of seats in Congress each state is allowed in the next 10 years.

Oh right, I’m sure it was the illegals. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the devastating hurricane that wiped out an entire massive city in Louisiana! It probably has nothing to do with all of said city’s residents picking up and moving to Houston (which, incidentally, is in one of the state’s that is gaining seats in Congress. You’re probably right, David Vitter; it’s probably because of the illegal immigrants.

He’s white, fat, and like the most recent Republican president, can’t really figure out what the big deal was about civil rights. I mean, really, why are all those black people still so bent out of shape!? Can’t they just stop holding a grudge, already!?

Here’s Haley Barbour – the popularly-elected governor of a southern state – on the pre-civil rights era in Mississippi:

Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour says he doesn’t remember the Civil Rights era being “that bad,” citing his attendance at a Martin Luther King Jr. rally nearly 50 years ago.

“I just don’t remember it as being that bad,” Barbour (R), 63, told the conservative Weekly Standard, which did a lengthy profile on the governor. “I remember Martin Luther King came to town, in ’62. He spoke out at the old fairground and it was full of people, black and white.”

And, to be fair, for a white kid in Mississippi, that time period probably wasn’t “that bad.”

But how about some perspective? How about next time, we ask Emmett Till. Or Jimmie Lee Jackson. Ask any of the 50 people who were hospitalized after being beaten by police trying to cross Selma, Alabama’s Pettus Bridge. Ask Medgar Evers, or ask the four little girls who were killed when the 16th Street Baptist Church was BOMBED.

Hey, Haley Barbour? Did you like being mentioned as a GOP presidential contender? I hope it was fun, because someone who thinks the pre-civil rights era in Mississippi wasn’t “that bad” won’t ever be anything but a contender. You asshole.

[The Hill]

Subhead: duh.

Yes, apparently political propaganda thinly disguised as news and shamelessly used to fearmonger does not make for the most informed viewers. Take it away science:

Those who watched Fox News almost daily were significantly more likely than those who never watched it to believe that most economists estimate the stimulus caused job losses (12 points more likely), most economists have estimated the health care law will worsen the deficit (31 points), the economy is getting worse (26 points), most scientists do not agree that climate change is occurring (30 points), the stimulus legislation did not include any tax cuts (14 points), their own income taxes have gone up (14 points), the auto bailout only occurred under Obama (13 points), when TARP came up for a vote most Republicans opposed it (12 points) and that it is not clear that Obama was born in the United States (31 points). The effect was also not simply a function of partisan bias, as people who voted Democratic and watched Fox News were also more likely to have such misinformation than those who did not watch it — though by a lesser margin than those who voted Republican.

It shouldn’t require an explanation here, but because some of our readers are retarded, it’s worth noting that all of those assumptions are wrong. Barack Obama was born in the United States, Bush also bailed out the auto industry, and there is an overwhelming consensus in the scientific community that climate change is real and caused by people.

As Daniel Patrick Moynihan said, “Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not to his own facts.”

Of course, there should probably be a FOX News corollary: if you’re watching FOX News, you’re not entitled to any facts. In fact, you might just hear the PolitiFact Lie of the Year, over and over instead.

[Political Wire]

The bottom line is, in the war against getting anything done in Congress Jim DeMint is a leader. A Supreme honcho. The teabagger favorite and all-around piece of human garbage has decided that Congress is engaged in the (fake) war on Christmas. He says the push to get the massive spending bill through the Senate in the days before Dec. 25 is — and we’re not kidding — sacrilegious. Just read for yourself!

You can’t jam a major arms control treaty right before Christmas,” he told POLITICO. “What’s going on here is just wrong. This is the most sacred holiday for Christians. They did the same thing last year – they kept everybody here until (Christmas Eve) to force something down everybody’s throat. I think Americans are sick of this.”

He’s right about one thing: Americans are sick. They’re sick of obstructionists blocking shit for the sake of blocking it. They’re sick of the two parties not being able to compromise about anything. And — we can only speak for ourselves in this case — they’re sick of fucking assholes like Jim DeMint using religion as an opportunity to be a cock. Does this fucking asshole know how many Christians work on Christmas? What a fuckface.

Pardon. That was a little much, even for us (though we did publish an anti-Elizabeth Edwards obit last week, so maybe this a step backward in the bile department).

DeMint conveniently glosses over the fact that a lame duck Congress does this shit all the time. That is, pushes a massive amount of legislation forward in an effort to get laws passed, and — just as importantly — fund the government before the session ends.

The kicker is that this bozo’s solution is to slow the process down so that everyone has to work longer. Yeah, that’ll show ‘em!

“DeMint has demanded a full reading of the treaty, a process that, ironically, will push the chance for a vote closer to Christmas.”

Asked if he were concerned that could further extend the lame-duck session until after Christmas, DeMint said: “So we all want to go home and be with our families. If they want to do it, let’s stay here until New Year’s eve.”

Fuck you, DeMint. Fuck you and your anti-Christian Christianity. We’re sure Jesus wold have done the same thing, force everyone to stay in one place and not go home to worship in His name!

The Washington Post’s Ezra Klein posted a telling chart today that demonstrates the difference between the two plans. The brackets are virtually identical in each income bracket with people actually getting more money back under the Democrats’ plan – that is, until you reach the top earners. Check it out (after the jump).

That staggering difference aside, it looks like that’s what the Democrats are going to do. And why shouldn’t they? After all, 26 percent of Americans are in support of that course of action.

Wrap your empty little Teabagger head around that one, fatty! The people you’re sending to Washington to cut government waste and fight against the man are, not surprisingly, part of the problem. The ridiculous things they claim to stand for…well, those are all new positions they’ve taken to save their own jobs. Take it away, Hotline:

According to a Hotline review of records compiled by Citizens Against Government Waste, the 52 members of the caucus, which pledges to cut spending and reduce the size of government, requested a total of 764 earmarks valued at $1,049,783,150 during Fiscal Year 2010, the last year for which records are available.

“It’s disturbing to see the Tea Party Caucus requested that much in earmarks. This is their time to put up or shut up, to be blunt,” said David Williams, vice president for policy at Citizens Against Government Waste. “There’s going to be a huge backlash if they continue to request earmarks.”

All that said, this whole earmark moratorium/ban is political theater. It doesn’t save money, and actually takes allocation power away from people who actually know the districts they represent, giving it instead to Washington bureaucrats. The money has already been appropriated, and an earmark ban doesn’t actually add up to savings. But hey, as long as the Teabagger Congressmen Fat America voted for are living in La-La Land, Teabaggers might as well continue living there, too.

Full list of Teabbagers’ earmark requests is after the jump.

NAME                EARMARKS        AMOUNT

Aderholt (R-AL)        69        $78,263,000
Akin (R-MO)             9        $14,709,000
Alexander (R-LA)       41        $65,395,000
Bachmann (R-MN)         0                  0
Barton (R-TX)          14        $12,269,400
Bartlett (R-MD)        19        $43,060,650
Bilirakis (R-FL)       14        $13,600,000
R. Bishop (R-UT)       47        $93,980,000
Burgess (R-TX)         15        $15,804,400
Broun (R-GA)            0                  0
Burton (R-IN)           0                  0
Carter (R-TX)          26        $42,232,000
Coble (R-NC)           19        $18,755,000
Coffman (R-CO)          0                  0
Crenshaw (R-FL)        37        $54,424,000
Culberson (R-TX)       22        $33,792,000
Fleming (R-LA)         10        $31,489,000
Franks (R-AZ)           8        $14,300,000
Gingrey (R-GA)         19        $16,100,000
Gohmert (R-TX)         15         $7,099,000
T. Graves (R-GA)       11         $8,331,000
R. Hall (R-TX)         16        $12,232,000
Harper (R-MS)          25        $80,402,000
Herger (R-CA)           5         $5,946,000
Hoekstra (R-MI)         9         $6,392,000
Jenkins (R-KS)         12        $24,628,000
S. King (R-IA)         13         $6,650,000
Lamborn (R-CO)          6        $16,020,000
Luetkemeyer (R-MO)      0                  0
Lummis (R-WY)           0                  0
Marchant (R-TX)         0                  0
McClintock (R-CA)       0                  0
Gary Miller (R-CA)     15        $19,627,500
Jerry Moran (R-KS)     22        $19,400,000
Myrick (R-NC)           0                  0
Neugebauer (R-TX)       0                  0
Pence (R-IN)            0                  0
Poe (R-TX)             12         $7,913,000
T. Price (R-GA)         0                  0
Rehberg (R-MT)         88       $100,514,200
Roe (R-TN)              0                  0
Royce (R-CA)            7         $6,545,000
Scalise (R-LA)         20        $17,388,000
P. Sessions (R-TX)      0                  0
Shadegg (R-AZ)          0                  0
Adrian Smith (R-NE)     1           $350,000
L. Smith (R-TX)        18        $14,078,000
Stearns (R-FL)         17        $15,472,000
Tiahrt (R-KS)          39        $63,400,000
Wamp (R-TN)            14        $34,544,000
Westmoreland (R-GA)     0                  0
Wilson (R-SC)          15        $23,334,000

TOTAL                 764     $1,049,783,150

Ya hear that, Kentucky? You’re building Noah’s Ark! You officially have the technological savvy of people who lived 7,000 years ago (or, more specifically, never lived).

So, hey, why’s everyone so excited? Again, from the governor of Kentucky’s actual press release:

One of the factors in getting the Ark Encounter to launch the Ark project at this time was a November 2009 CBS News survey, which revealed that the remains of Noah’s Ark would be the greatest archaeological discovery of our day. CBS News stated: “CBS’ 60 Minutes news program, in conjunction with Vanity Fair magazine, recently conducted a web survey asking which archaeological discovery people would most want to see made next. The response: Noah’s Ark (43 percent); Atlantis (18 percent); Amelia Earhart’s plane (16 percent); Nixon’s lost tapes (13 percent); and Cleopatra’s barge (5 percent).

In other words, this will be the most exciting tourist trap ever! More exciting than an Atlantis theme park featuring Amelia Earhart’s plane where the soundtrack is the missing Nixon tapes. Holy shit, Kentucky! You just blew our minds.

How about with a little Powerpoint presentation? Sure, why not? It is 1998, right?

More specifically, how about a Powerpoint presentation featuring this slide:

Barton’s nine-slide PowerPoint presentation, sent to NBC by a Democratic aide and confirmed by Barton’s office, reads like a laundry list of accomplishments and GOP priorities — that is, until the last slide.

That slide, titled “What’s in Store for the Obama Administration, states that “Speaker Boehner is our Dwight Eisenhower in the battle against the Obama Administration. Majority Leader Cantor is our Omar Bradley. I want to be George Patton – put anything in my scope and I will shoot it.”

Wow. If John Boehner is Eisenhower, Cantor is Bradley and Barton is Patton, and they’re taking on Obama, then who would Obama be? Shouldn’t take a lot of thinking.

Of course, if you said “Hitler,” well shame on you, you goddamn asshole!

Barton’s office confirmed the authenticity of the slide, but an aide to the congressman said that it is “ludicrous” to suggest the comparison between GOP leaders and World War II generals sets up a parallel between Obama and the enemy regimes of that era.

“It is completely ludicrous to make that leap,” said Sean Brown, Barton’s press secretary.

COMPLETELY LUDICROUS!!

For starters, the GOP leaders Barton mentions have a combined ZERO years of military service.

(NBC)