Writer Sara Murray doesn’t come right out and say that Americans are stupid, lazy hypocrites but, hey, we read between the lines and are doing it for her. Americans are stupid, lazy hypocrites. (They’re also fat but that’s another story for another day).

We’ve all heard lately that the deficit is booming, there’s too much government spending, Social Security’s fucked, etc. All of those things are true, of course. Why? Well, the deficit is booming because someone has to kick start the economy and tax cuts for rich people aren’t going to do it. And yes, just in case you’re wondering, the stimulus worked. Certainly not the way the administration thought it would and not as well as it could have, either — because the administration made the mistake of thinking that Americans are rational, thoughtful people — but it did. Just not well enough.

So enough of the background. Here’s what we mean when we say Americans are the problem:

Efforts to tame America’s ballooning budget deficit could soon confront a daunting reality: Nearly half of all Americans live in a household in which someone receives government benefits, more than at any time in history.

At the same time, the fraction of American households not paying federal income taxes has also grown — to an estimated 45% in 2010, from 39% five years ago, according to the Tax Policy Center, a nonpartisan research organization.

Oops.

Yet even as Americans express concern over the deficit in opinion polls, many oppose benefit cuts, particularly with the economy on an uneven footing. A Wall Street Journal/NBC News poll conducted late last month found 61% of voters were “enthusiastic” or “comfortable” with congressional candidates who support cutting federal spending in general. But 56% expressed the same enthusiasm for candidates who voted to extend unemployment benefits.

Of course they do! Because they don’t understand how money and business and spending and government works. And guess what? It’s actually not that difficult. Here’s how the government entitlement part goes: If you want Medicare (and judging by how many people want the government to keep their filthy hands off Medicare, you do), you have to pay for it. The way you pay for it is by taxes!

Also: If you want Social Security, you have to pay for it — as a payroll tax! See, that’s how entitlement programs work. They have to be paid for somehow. Social security isn’t a handout; you pay into it with every paycheck (assuming your employer isn’t a total scumbag). The problem with Social Security isn’t that it’s welfare (it isn’t). The problem is that when it was enacted the population was about 130,000,000, lived until they were about 65 or died in World War II. Now the population is about 300,000,000 and everyone is really fucking old.

We’re not suggesting that there’s not waste in government. Any system that would employ Charlie Rangel for 40 years has serious problems. We’re just saying that if you want spending limited, you may have to take a cut in something you enjoy. We’re perfectly prepared to eat baloney for a couple months. Is the rest of America? Well, they’re already eating baloney and it’s making them fat. But we’re talking about eating baloney from a symbolic and from a monetary point of view, you know, baloney being cheap…

Oh, fuck it. Long story short: Americans are stupid.

Shut up, John McCain, you asshole!

Jesus Christ, just when you thought twitter and John McCain couldn’t get any worse, they combine forces with the freakin’ Jersey Shore for this goddamn shit. Stop it, stop it, stop it!

You don’t say! Let’s cut the shit and get right to the guts of it. Take it away, poll results!

The 18 percent of Americans who identify themselves as Tea Party supporters tend to be Republican, white, male, married and older than 45.

They hold more conservative views on a range of issues than Republicans generally. They are also more likely to describe themselves as “very conservative” and President Obama as “very liberal.”

And while most Republicans say they are “dissatisfied” with Washington, Tea Party supporters are more likely to classify themselves as “angry.”

Why are teabaggers angry? Because a Negro Muslim Kenyan Interloper Liar in the motherfucking White House is trying to take the money they stole rightfully through hedge funds and derivatives, you Che-loving prick!

Look, we don’t want to suggest that all teabaggers are racist, self-serving jerks. But taking a play from the Fox News school of journalism, check out this guy’s sign:

And yes, this asshole is a face of the teabagger movement. But back to the New York Times story!

The overwhelming majority of supporters say Mr. Obama does not share the values most Americans live by and that he does not understand the problems of people like themselves. More than half say the policies of the administration favor the poor, and 25 percent think that the administration favors blacks over whites — compared with 11 percent of the general public.

They are more likely than the general public, and Republicans, to say that too much has been made of the problems facing black people.

Asked what they are angry about, Tea Party supporters offered three main concerns: the recent health care overhaul, government spending and a feeling that their opinions are not represented in Washington.

To sum up, the teabaggers hate the stimulus bill that cut their taxes. Sure, the stimulus package only cut taxes for 95% of working families, but guess what? There’s no way that the 18% of Americans who describe themselves as teabaggers are all earning more than $200,000 a year solo or $250,000 per couple. Not. One. Fucking. Chance.

As for thinking that the administration favors blacks over whites: Quit your bitching. You’re afraid you’ve been knocked off the throne after holding it for the past FOREVER, whitey? Drink a glass of milk. Eat a sandwich. Shut the fuck up.

Finally, you think the government doesn’t represent your views? Guess how many senators are over 50 years old? 90! From that group, guess how many of them are white? 86! From that group, guess how many are men? 72! Last time we checked, white men didn’t make up 72% of the United States. They did make 72% of the money, but that’s another story for another time.

So now that we’ve established that teabaggers are really just white guys pissed off because they don’t want a field hand tellin’ ‘em how to live, and they don’t know what’s in the stimulus, and they don’t know dick, let’s let them talk about the world as they see it.

“The only way they will stop the spending is to have a revolt on their hands,” Elwin Thrasher, a 66-year-old semiretired lawyer in Florida, said in an interview after the poll. “I’m sick and tired of them wasting money and doing what our founders never intended to be done with the federal government.”

A founder such as Alexander Hamilton, who favored a strong national government? The guy on the $10 bill? Or John Adams, the second president? Hey, Elwin — nice name, btw — did you speak up when George W. Bush took this country to Iraq with no way to pay for it? Did you complain to your senator or representative about bank practices before or after Lehman Brothers crashed? As for revolting: I dare you.

[Teabaggers] are far more pessimistic than Americans in general about the economy. More than 90 percent of Tea Party supporters think the country is headed in the wrong direction, compared with about 60 percent of the general public. About 6 in 10 say “America’s best years are behind us” when it comes to the availability of good jobs for American workers.

Of course they think this country is headed in the wrong direction. Only a faggot-commie country would provide health care to its citizens.

Nearly 9 in 10 disapprove of the job Mr. Obama is doing over all, and about the same percentage fault his handling of major issues: health care, the economy and the federal budget deficit. Ninety-two percent believe Mr. Obama is moving the country toward socialism, an opinion shared by more than half of the general public.

Related: our standard griping about where was the griping under Bush, etc. And clearly these fools and more than half the general public have ZERO idea what constitutes socialism. You do know that the health care bill is one of the biggest CAPITALIST moves ever in history, right? Thirty-two million Americans are not going to buy insurance from the government because the government didn’t provide a public option. Buying a good or service from a private company is the OPPOSITE of socialism.

“I just feel he’s getting away from what America is,” said Kathy Mayhugh, 67, a retired medical transcriber in Jacksonville. “He’s a socialist. And to tell you the truth, I think he’s a Muslim and trying to head us in that direction, I don’t care what he says. He’s been in office over a year and can’t find a church to go to. That doesn’t say much for him.”

Controlled reaction to a stupid person acting stupidly: Kathy, you’re an idiot and a bigot. Pray tell — because praying must be important to a churchgoer such as yourself — what difference does it make if Obama is a Muslim? How exactly is he trying to push us in that direction?

But in follow-up interviews, Tea Party supporters said they did not want to cut Medicare or Social Security — the biggest domestic programs, suggesting instead a focus on “waste.”

And why not cut Medicare or Social Security? Because these teabaggers are old and they want health care and a pension. The socialist goons. Are you really surprised that they’re hypocrites?

Some defended being on Social Security while fighting big government by saying that since they had paid into the system, they deserved the benefits.

Others could not explain the contradiction.

“That’s a conundrum, isn’t it?” asked Jodine White, 62, of Rocklin, Calif. “I don’t know what to say. Maybe I don’t want smaller government. I guess I want smaller government and my Social Security.” She added, “I didn’t look at it from the perspective of losing things I need. I think I’ve changed my mind.”

Ugh. The mind is a terrible thing to waste. Speaking of waste: Teabaggers, you’re a waste. Each of you. You could really do the country a favor and cut waste by sucking a tailpipe or eating one of those assault rifles you wave around at your stupid rallies. Aside: Rocklin, Calif. is a horrible suburb of horrible Sacramento, a town that prides itself on being uneducated.

Teabaggers are educated. Could have fooled us.

You know what, Jay Leno, if telling everyone that you got screwed makes you feel better, that’s great, but it doesn’t mask the fact that you in fact did not get screwed. To rehash, Jay Leno was moved to primetime — as a lead-in for the late local news — where he bombed so catastrophically that the news (the bread and butter of the affiliates) threatened to stop showing his program. With that ratings drop already a foregone conclusion, it was no surprise when Conan’s ratings also tanked. So what was the result again? Oh that’s right, Jay Leno got everything that he wanted: no more Conan, “The Tonight Show” was his again, and he got to buy more cars. Yes, Jay Leno certainly got screwed.

The kicker to this interview, though, is this line from Leno: “[In comedy], you don’t impede the other guy’s opportunity.”

Yeah, that’s weird, because, once again, that’s exactly what Jay Leno did. He made it impossible for O’Brien’s show to succeed, and when push came to shove, didn’t ride off into the sunset like he should have.

Shut up, Jay Leno. You’ve always been a hack, and every time you open your mouth, you make it clear you’re a terrible person, too.

Oh, my stars! People are so rude!

HERE’S an etiquette experiment for you: E-mail an invitation for a party, one month out, to 45 friends. Request an R.S.V.P. Provide a follow-up e-mail message, two weeks later, politely reminding them to get back to you.

How many will?

My experiment arose from plans for an evening of food, drink and literature, with readings by myself and two other writers, at a restaurant. Not exactly a drop-in-if-you’re-around kind of thing, so I asked friends to R.S.V.P. My initial message brought in a dozen responses, and the follow-up a few more, but days before the event I had a paltry 23. Not 23 who planned to come, but 23 who had bothered to respond. Half my invitees had blown me off. Why? I wasn’t peddling life insurance, after all.

Ah yes, here’s an experiment: try something you probably do five times a year! Just for kicks, make your event incredibly pretentious and boring and make sure to berate your friends in print after your stupid event. Yes, this sounds fun already. But wait, does anyone else ever have the same completely-unsurprising results as the author? Amazingly, they do!

Asking around, I discovered that the phenomenon is widespread. One friend of mine e-mailed invitations to a baby shower, and a third of the recipients failed to respond. Another announced a happy hour at her house and received a dozen yeses — only to find her party besieged by 35 people.

In other words, this completely newfangled thing the New York Times has inexplicably allowed me to write about is nothing new! It’s something everyone knows about and experiences, and everyone in society is over it…except the writer himself. What ever will the Times allow someone to write about next? Pudding: it’s delicious! People enjoy warm weather! New York Times on fast track to becoming LA Times!

So what say you, Mr. Rand Richards Cooper (yes, the author’s actual name): why is everyone so rude nowadays!?

What’s clear is how hard the R.S.V.P. rubs against the grain of contemporary life. In requesting people to anchor a plan in the distant future of a month hence, you are demanding a kind of navigation that Americans increasingly do not practice. We prefer to remain flexy, solidifying our plans incrementally as the date approaches. Let’s talk tomorrow. I’ll call you when I’m on the road. Cellphones in hand, we microadjust our schedules as they unfold around us. We’re like the air traffic controllers of our own lives.

Ah yes, welcome to life! Back in Richards Cooper’s youth, people would respond promptly and in the most beautiful of cursive handwriting from a fountain pen. They’d arrive in ascots and three-piece suits in their Model-Ts and the parties were always a hoot! Oh, everyone would be talking about the Richards Cooper parties for weeks. They’d even check their “mail receptacles” each day in hopes that another fete was due soon.

Back in reality for a moment, we find that perhaps the lack of responses to Richards Cooper has nothing to do with a modern (and yet years-old) medium. Maybe it’s just that he’s a surly mean-spirited asshole:

But back to my party. The day before the big event, I sent a final e-mail message, thanking “the half of you who responded for helping keep the dying art of the R.S.V.P. alive.” This irked missive flushed out a final 10 hangdog respondents. But there remained a gang of 12 — the dirty dozen, the truly hardcore, fanatical nonresponders — who couldn’t even be shamed into R.S.V.P.ing.

In the end, perhaps they were merely following the French literally: Respond, if you please. Left over from a time when graciousness couched demands as requests, the R.S.V.P. no longer functions. I therefore propose an update, something still French but a bit more … frank — the R.V.O.M.:

Répondez Vite — ou Mourir!

For those friends of mine who plead a lack of high school French, allow me to translate. Respond Quickly, or Die!

Ah, the old, “if you don’t respond to my stupid invitation, you should just die” gag. Who doesn’t love getting that? Don’t we all wish we had friends like Rand Richards Cooper?

As per usual, “The Daily Show” does a better job of news analysis than anyone else. They also make something funny that most people would want to kill over. So, onto Fox’s “news show” with Megyn Kelly, which has a totally huge non-biased viewer panel, too.

Hear that all you “think positive” twits? Stop telling me that I should smile more. If I want your opinion, I’ll pick up my iPhone and dial your fucking asshole.

Back to our story, the story that being irked is awesome! No more do you have to feel guilty for not helping old ladiez across the street. No more do you have to feel guilty about hating the way your Facebook friends prattle on about their stupid children. Use that negative energy to invent a longer lasting environmentally-friendly light bulb. Or cure cancer. Or something. But do it angrily!

Take it away, Scientific American!

Next time you find yourself in a bad mood, don’t try to put on a happy face—instead tackle a project that has been stymieing you. Melancholy might just help you hit peak performance, reports Joseph Forgas, a professor of psychology at the University of New South Wales, in the journal Australasian Science. Forgas reviewed several of his studies in which researchers induced either a good or bad mood in volunteers. Each study found that people in a bad mood performed tasks better than those in a good mood. Grumpy people paid closer attention to details, showed less gullibility, were less prone to errors of judgment and formed higher-quality, persuasive arguments than their happy counterparts. One study even supports the notion that those who show signs of either fear, anger, disgust or sadness—the four basic negative emotions—achieve stronger eyewitness recall while virtually eliminating the effect of misinformation.

So guess what lemons-into-lemonade people? You’re all a bunch of fucking turds. And speaking of turds, the next time one falls into your drink, be happy that you can focus your energy on something negative. (Gratuitous swearing added to drive the point home.)

[h/t @aschirtz]

President of what? The Society of Douchebag Hypocrites? No, silly rabbit, he’s considering a run for President of the United States!

The mind boggles and one wonders if Newt’s quasi-announcement is a good or bad thing for the Republican party. Because this is a guy who’s been out of power for more than a decade, which is a lifetime in politics. The last person to run for President after being out of the spotlight forever was Nixon, and we all know what a successful presidency that was.

Let’s see how Newt is trotting out this I-haven’t-made-up-my-mind news, via CNN’s Political Ticker:

I think I’m probably on a list of seven or eight possible candidates at this stage,” Gingrich reportedly told reporters in North Carolina Wednesday before speaking to a gathering of conservatives. Joe DeSantis, Gingrich’s communications director, confirmed the accuracy of the quotes to CNN.

“We have a lot of people around the country who would like to have somebody who represents a commitment to replace the current failed programs and to develop a set of solutions that are practical and workable,” Gingrich also said.

Hmm…how many Americans want a President of the United States who once shut down the federal gonverment because he didn’t like where President Clinton had him sit on Air Force One, which cost U.S. taxpayers at least $600 million?

Of course, this country has the memory of a fly and wants instant gratification in fixing the economy. Why? Because this country behaves like a spoiled child!

Anyway. Back to Newt.

Gingrich said he would make a decision about his own political future next year after discussing the prospect of a presidential bid with his wife.

Funny that he decides to announce that he may run for President before he seriously discusses it with his wife. You know, his third wife! The one he was fucking while he was married to his second wife! The one with whom he was having an affair while he was trying to nail Clinton (pun) for the Lewinsky affair! And just in case you didn’t know, Newt divorced his FIRST wife as she was dying from cancer.

Oh, and are Catholics even supposed to divorce? Someone remind us.

Family values, right? We’re pretty sure Newt has long since abandoned his Contract with America.

Based on the relative banality of their metro coverage and the way they just can’t commit enough ink to ballet, is it any surprise that the Times‘ big insight into the awesome spectacle and box office performance of James Cameron’s Avaghey is the really boring question, “For All its Success, Will ‘Avatar’ Change the Industry“?

Correct question: Who gives a shit if Avaghey changes the industry? I know. You may be thinking that “Will Avatar Change the Industry” is a perfectly logical question for the Times to ask. But how many people have been thinking, “You know what I want to see? A really long action movie in 3D” Answer: James Cameron. I mean, just look at this nonsense:

Asked last week if any similarly ambitious film were in the works, Alec Shapiro, senior vice-president for sales and marketing of Sony Corporation’s content creation group, whose digital cameras were used on “Avatar,” was stumped. “Not to my knowledge,” he said. “I can’t, offhand, see another half-billion-dollar production.”

Wow. That’s some ace reporting, New York Times. Look at the following paragraph for more unintended yuks!

Mr. Cameron and his producing partner, Jon Landau, have talked of possible sequels to “Avatar.” But 20th Century Fox, which distributed the movie and helped underwrite production and marketing costs of about $460 million, has yet to announce plans for any successor to a film that was at least 15 years in the making.

Again: Wow. Imagine if Cameron wrote the script for an Avaghey sequel with a release date set for June 2013. If it took 15 years to craft the shitty dialogue of the first film, what sort of awesome chit-chat will the characters regale us with in the sequel?

Blue guy: “You can’t fire on them! There are women and children down there!”

Military white guy: “The Corporation signs my paychecks, not you! Shut up!”

Halfway through this woefully inept story do we get an answer to a question no one cares about in the first place.

“While ‘Avatar’ is likely a watershed for digital and 3-D technology,” [Barclays Capital] wrote, “it does not tell us that the underlying economics of the film business have changed.”

No shit.

That leaves a long stretch during which moviegoers, tantalized by “Avatar,” will be watching fantasy films like “Iron Man 2” from Marvel Entertainment and Paramount or “Jonah Hex” from Warner and Legendary Pictures, neither of which is as technologically ambitious as Mr. Cameron’s recent film.

OH MY GOD IS THIS ARTICLE STILL GOING ON?

Asked how quickly the next such movie might arrive, Mr. Landau said, “I hope sooner, rather than later, and not just from us.”

Asked how quickly this New York Times piece may end, Dave of SCFOM said, “Not soon the fuck enough.”