Wrap your empty little Teabagger head around that one, fatty! The people you’re sending to Washington to cut government waste and fight against the man are, not surprisingly, part of the problem. The ridiculous things they claim to stand for…well, those are all new positions they’ve taken to save their own jobs. Take it away, Hotline:

According to a Hotline review of records compiled by Citizens Against Government Waste, the 52 members of the caucus, which pledges to cut spending and reduce the size of government, requested a total of 764 earmarks valued at $1,049,783,150 during Fiscal Year 2010, the last year for which records are available.

“It’s disturbing to see the Tea Party Caucus requested that much in earmarks. This is their time to put up or shut up, to be blunt,” said David Williams, vice president for policy at Citizens Against Government Waste. “There’s going to be a huge backlash if they continue to request earmarks.”

All that said, this whole earmark moratorium/ban is political theater. It doesn’t save money, and actually takes allocation power away from people who actually know the districts they represent, giving it instead to Washington bureaucrats. The money has already been appropriated, and an earmark ban doesn’t actually add up to savings. But hey, as long as the Teabagger Congressmen Fat America voted for are living in La-La Land, Teabaggers might as well continue living there, too.

Full list of Teabbagers’ earmark requests is after the jump.

NAME                EARMARKS        AMOUNT

Aderholt (R-AL)        69        $78,263,000
Akin (R-MO)             9        $14,709,000
Alexander (R-LA)       41        $65,395,000
Bachmann (R-MN)         0                  0
Barton (R-TX)          14        $12,269,400
Bartlett (R-MD)        19        $43,060,650
Bilirakis (R-FL)       14        $13,600,000
R. Bishop (R-UT)       47        $93,980,000
Burgess (R-TX)         15        $15,804,400
Broun (R-GA)            0                  0
Burton (R-IN)           0                  0
Carter (R-TX)          26        $42,232,000
Coble (R-NC)           19        $18,755,000
Coffman (R-CO)          0                  0
Crenshaw (R-FL)        37        $54,424,000
Culberson (R-TX)       22        $33,792,000
Fleming (R-LA)         10        $31,489,000
Franks (R-AZ)           8        $14,300,000
Gingrey (R-GA)         19        $16,100,000
Gohmert (R-TX)         15         $7,099,000
T. Graves (R-GA)       11         $8,331,000
R. Hall (R-TX)         16        $12,232,000
Harper (R-MS)          25        $80,402,000
Herger (R-CA)           5         $5,946,000
Hoekstra (R-MI)         9         $6,392,000
Jenkins (R-KS)         12        $24,628,000
S. King (R-IA)         13         $6,650,000
Lamborn (R-CO)          6        $16,020,000
Luetkemeyer (R-MO)      0                  0
Lummis (R-WY)           0                  0
Marchant (R-TX)         0                  0
McClintock (R-CA)       0                  0
Gary Miller (R-CA)     15        $19,627,500
Jerry Moran (R-KS)     22        $19,400,000
Myrick (R-NC)           0                  0
Neugebauer (R-TX)       0                  0
Pence (R-IN)            0                  0
Poe (R-TX)             12         $7,913,000
T. Price (R-GA)         0                  0
Rehberg (R-MT)         88       $100,514,200
Roe (R-TN)              0                  0
Royce (R-CA)            7         $6,545,000
Scalise (R-LA)         20        $17,388,000
P. Sessions (R-TX)      0                  0
Shadegg (R-AZ)          0                  0
Adrian Smith (R-NE)     1           $350,000
L. Smith (R-TX)        18        $14,078,000
Stearns (R-FL)         17        $15,472,000
Tiahrt (R-KS)          39        $63,400,000
Wamp (R-TN)            14        $34,544,000
Westmoreland (R-GA)     0                  0
Wilson (R-SC)          15        $23,334,000

TOTAL                 764     $1,049,783,150

First: We’ve seen their signs and heard them speak and wonder just what degrees they could possibly hold.

Second: Go fuck yourselves, teabaggers.

But just for shits and giggles, let’s discuss their corporate sponsored document!

We, the undersigned, call upon those seeking to represent us in public office to sign the Contract from America and by doing so commit to support each of its agenda items, work to bring each agenda item to a vote during the first year, and pledge to advocate on behalf of individual liberty, limited government, and economic freedom.

Know what? There’s nothing inherently insane in that paragraph. Unless you count the fact that most of the things they’re asking for are fucking stupid.

Individual Liberty

Our moral, political, and economic liberties are inherent, not granted by our government. It is essential to the practice of these liberties that we be free from restriction over our peaceful political expression and free from excessive control over our economic choices.

A gripe against the health care purchase mandate, though veiled here. No surprise.

Limited Government

The purpose of our government is to exercise only those limited powers that have been relinquished to it by the people, chief among these being the protection of our liberties by administering justice and ensuring our safety from threats arising inside or outside our country’s sovereign borders. When our government ventures beyond these functions and attempts to increase its power over the marketplace and the economic decisions of individuals, our liberties are diminished and the probability of corruption, internal strife, economic depression, and poverty increases.

You’ll find lots of people with lots of different ideas about what government is or is not. Exactly how the government is increasing its power in the marketplace, we’re not sure, and of course the teabaggers are not specific here.

Economic Freedom

The most powerful, proven instrument of material and social progress is the free market. The market economy, driven by the accumulated expressions of individual economic choices, is the only economic system that preserves and enhances individual liberty. Any other economic system, regardless of its intended pragmatic benefits, undermines our fundamental rights as free people.

The free market also has the power to destroy the lives of many of its country’s citizens, but why let a little thing like regulating derivatives stop the free market? Just how many teabaggers are actually voting against their own self interests? Let’s start with Joe the Plumber.

1. Protect the Constitution

Require each bill to identify the specific provision of the Constitution that gives Congress the power to do what the bill does. (82.03%)

Grow up.

2. Reject Cap & Trade

Stop costly new regulations that would increase unemployment, raise consumer prices, and weaken the nation’s global competitiveness with virtually no impact on global temperatures. (72.20%)

Prove that Cap & Trade does any of those things, and we’re on board.

3. Demand a Balanced Budget

Begin the Constitutional amendment process to require a balanced budget with a two-thirds majority needed for any tax hike. (69.69%)

Really? You want Medicare and Social Security but you don’t want to pay for them? Is that what we’re hearing? Check out this Boston Globe article if you think we’re being reductive.

While we’re at it, since teabaggers didn’t voice gripes when we went to war in Iraq – which we couldn’t pay for, by the way – we can only assume that you’ll be approving the tax hike to pay for it. Right?

4. Enact Fundamental Tax Reform

Adopt a simple and fair single-rate tax system by scrapping the internal revenue code and replacing it with one that is no longer than 4,543 words—the length of the original Constitution. (64.90%)

Syntax alert! The word “original” before the word “Constitution” is totally unnecessary because there’s only one Constitution. In fact, that’s why we capitalize it! The Articles of Confederation were a constitution, but since they didn’t work and there’s no one claiming that we would have been better with the Articles, there’s no reason to call the Constitution “original.” It’s just the Constitution.

Further: Teabaggers are idiots. Say we cap federal income tax at 13%. Person A makes $27,000 and therefore must pay $3,510 in federal income tax. Person B makes $1,270,000 a year. That person would owe $165,100 in income tax. Call me crazy, but I think Person A needs his $3,510 more than Person B needs his $165,100. Not saying Person A should be off the hook entirely. Just sayin’

Oh, just saying teabaggers are heartless assholes.

5. Restore Fiscal Responsibility & Constitutionally Limited Government in Washington

Create a Blue Ribbon taskforce that engages in a complete audit of federal agencies and programs, assessing their Constitutionality, and identifying duplication, waste, ineffectiveness, and agencies and programs better left for the states or local authorities, or ripe for wholesale reform or elimination due to our efforts to restore limited government consistent with the US Constitution’s meaning. (63.37%)

We’re all for reducing the size of government. Thanks for enlarging it, George W. Bush! If someone can find a way to govern 307,000,000 people while reducing the size of the government and making it more efficient, rock ‘n’ roll. Our suggestion: Hire Jack Welch to do the audit. Of course, his fee and the fees of the people performing the audit will raise the debt by millions and perhaps billions of dollars, but you have to spend to cut sometimes.

6. End Runaway Government Spending

Impose a statutory cap limiting the annual growth in total federal spending to the sum of the inflation rate plus the percentage of population growth. (56.57%)

Also, demand the president have Congress declare war before, say, invading Iraq with no plan to contain costs or abruptly end soldiers’ lives needlessly.

Define “growth.” Also, look into the future and see when the next financial crisis is going to happen so that no one can authorize a TARP-like bill that dishes out taxpayer money that hasn’t been collected.

7. Defund, Repeal, & Replace Government-run Health Care

Defund, repeal and replace the recently passed government-run health care with a system that actually makes health care and insurance more affordable by enabling a competitive, open, and transparent free-market health care and health insurance system that isn’t restricted by state boundaries. (56.39%)

“Defund” isn’t a word. This idea would be great, by the way, if there were government-run health care. Unless the teabaggers are talking about Medicare and Medicaid, which we assume they now want repealed.

8. Pass an ‘All-of-the-Above” Energy Policy

Authorize the exploration of proven energy reserves to reduce our dependence on foreign energy sources from unstable countries and reduce regulatory barriers to all other forms of energy creation, lowering prices and creating competition and jobs. (55.51%)

Vague. So, so, so vague. Explain, please.

9. Stop the Pork

Place a moratorium on all earmarks until the budget is balanced, and then require a 2/3 majority to pass any earmark. (55.47%)

Since earmarks make up about 1% of the budget, they really aren’t a big problem. They’re more of a political problem than a fiscal problem. But since teabaggers seem to focus on the money that goes into them – and 1% of trillions of dollars is nothing to sneeze at – we can really focus attention elsewhere.

10. Stop the Tax Hikes

Permanently repeal all tax hikes, including those to the income, capital gains, and death taxes, currently scheduled to begin in 2011. (53.38%)

How can you permanently repeal a tax hike if you also want to approve tax hikes with a two-thirds vote? (See #3.) THINK.

Ninety-five percent of American got a tax cut in 2009. That’s more Americans than Bush’s tax cuts ever benefited. And since the tax hikes the teabaggers are referring to will happen when Bush’s tax cuts expire, they can’t really blame Obama for that. But they will.

So that’s what we think of the Contract from America. But here’s what we dislike most: The fake signature at the bottom of it is from the America People.

We at SCFOM are Americans. Born and raised. We work. We pay taxes. We put up with teabaggers and their John Galt nonsense every day. They’ve gone too far this time. Kindly remove “The American People” from the signature line, or at least amend it to “The American People, except for Dave and Josh.”

We can’t speak for the rest of the country.

You don’t say! Let’s cut the shit and get right to the guts of it. Take it away, poll results!

The 18 percent of Americans who identify themselves as Tea Party supporters tend to be Republican, white, male, married and older than 45.

They hold more conservative views on a range of issues than Republicans generally. They are also more likely to describe themselves as “very conservative” and President Obama as “very liberal.”

And while most Republicans say they are “dissatisfied” with Washington, Tea Party supporters are more likely to classify themselves as “angry.”

Why are teabaggers angry? Because a Negro Muslim Kenyan Interloper Liar in the motherfucking White House is trying to take the money they stole rightfully through hedge funds and derivatives, you Che-loving prick!

Look, we don’t want to suggest that all teabaggers are racist, self-serving jerks. But taking a play from the Fox News school of journalism, check out this guy’s sign:

And yes, this asshole is a face of the teabagger movement. But back to the New York Times story!

The overwhelming majority of supporters say Mr. Obama does not share the values most Americans live by and that he does not understand the problems of people like themselves. More than half say the policies of the administration favor the poor, and 25 percent think that the administration favors blacks over whites — compared with 11 percent of the general public.

They are more likely than the general public, and Republicans, to say that too much has been made of the problems facing black people.

Asked what they are angry about, Tea Party supporters offered three main concerns: the recent health care overhaul, government spending and a feeling that their opinions are not represented in Washington.

To sum up, the teabaggers hate the stimulus bill that cut their taxes. Sure, the stimulus package only cut taxes for 95% of working families, but guess what? There’s no way that the 18% of Americans who describe themselves as teabaggers are all earning more than $200,000 a year solo or $250,000 per couple. Not. One. Fucking. Chance.

As for thinking that the administration favors blacks over whites: Quit your bitching. You’re afraid you’ve been knocked off the throne after holding it for the past FOREVER, whitey? Drink a glass of milk. Eat a sandwich. Shut the fuck up.

Finally, you think the government doesn’t represent your views? Guess how many senators are over 50 years old? 90! From that group, guess how many of them are white? 86! From that group, guess how many are men? 72! Last time we checked, white men didn’t make up 72% of the United States. They did make 72% of the money, but that’s another story for another time.

So now that we’ve established that teabaggers are really just white guys pissed off because they don’t want a field hand tellin’ ‘em how to live, and they don’t know what’s in the stimulus, and they don’t know dick, let’s let them talk about the world as they see it.

“The only way they will stop the spending is to have a revolt on their hands,” Elwin Thrasher, a 66-year-old semiretired lawyer in Florida, said in an interview after the poll. “I’m sick and tired of them wasting money and doing what our founders never intended to be done with the federal government.”

A founder such as Alexander Hamilton, who favored a strong national government? The guy on the $10 bill? Or John Adams, the second president? Hey, Elwin — nice name, btw — did you speak up when George W. Bush took this country to Iraq with no way to pay for it? Did you complain to your senator or representative about bank practices before or after Lehman Brothers crashed? As for revolting: I dare you.

[Teabaggers] are far more pessimistic than Americans in general about the economy. More than 90 percent of Tea Party supporters think the country is headed in the wrong direction, compared with about 60 percent of the general public. About 6 in 10 say “America’s best years are behind us” when it comes to the availability of good jobs for American workers.

Of course they think this country is headed in the wrong direction. Only a faggot-commie country would provide health care to its citizens.

Nearly 9 in 10 disapprove of the job Mr. Obama is doing over all, and about the same percentage fault his handling of major issues: health care, the economy and the federal budget deficit. Ninety-two percent believe Mr. Obama is moving the country toward socialism, an opinion shared by more than half of the general public.

Related: our standard griping about where was the griping under Bush, etc. And clearly these fools and more than half the general public have ZERO idea what constitutes socialism. You do know that the health care bill is one of the biggest CAPITALIST moves ever in history, right? Thirty-two million Americans are not going to buy insurance from the government because the government didn’t provide a public option. Buying a good or service from a private company is the OPPOSITE of socialism.

“I just feel he’s getting away from what America is,” said Kathy Mayhugh, 67, a retired medical transcriber in Jacksonville. “He’s a socialist. And to tell you the truth, I think he’s a Muslim and trying to head us in that direction, I don’t care what he says. He’s been in office over a year and can’t find a church to go to. That doesn’t say much for him.”

Controlled reaction to a stupid person acting stupidly: Kathy, you’re an idiot and a bigot. Pray tell — because praying must be important to a churchgoer such as yourself — what difference does it make if Obama is a Muslim? How exactly is he trying to push us in that direction?

But in follow-up interviews, Tea Party supporters said they did not want to cut Medicare or Social Security — the biggest domestic programs, suggesting instead a focus on “waste.”

And why not cut Medicare or Social Security? Because these teabaggers are old and they want health care and a pension. The socialist goons. Are you really surprised that they’re hypocrites?

Some defended being on Social Security while fighting big government by saying that since they had paid into the system, they deserved the benefits.

Others could not explain the contradiction.

“That’s a conundrum, isn’t it?” asked Jodine White, 62, of Rocklin, Calif. “I don’t know what to say. Maybe I don’t want smaller government. I guess I want smaller government and my Social Security.” She added, “I didn’t look at it from the perspective of losing things I need. I think I’ve changed my mind.”

Ugh. The mind is a terrible thing to waste. Speaking of waste: Teabaggers, you’re a waste. Each of you. You could really do the country a favor and cut waste by sucking a tailpipe or eating one of those assault rifles you wave around at your stupid rallies. Aside: Rocklin, Calif. is a horrible suburb of horrible Sacramento, a town that prides itself on being uneducated.

Teabaggers are educated. Could have fooled us.

And by that we mean: Billy Corgan, we don’t give a shit about your opinion. Billy’s the latest sort-of-famous person we’re adding to the category “Celebrities weighing in on something about which they have zero knowledge.” (The list includes Jenny McCarthy and anything, John Ratzenberger and health care, and Warren Beatty and the 2003 recall of Gray Davis.) This week’s topic: SWINE FLU!

See, swine flu is on Fat America‘s mind. Billy Corgan is part of Fat America. He’s also a quasi-celebrity with a lot of time to reflect (because no one cares about him anymore). He’s got a blog. You see where we’re going with this, right?

If you follow some of the links I have been supplying as of late, you’ll notice many are focused on the propaganda build up to our day of reckoning with the Swine Flu virus. I say ‘propaganda’ because, in my heart, there is something mighty suspicious about declaring an emergency for something that has yet to show itself to be a grand pandemic. Our American President Obama has declared a national emergency about this virus, which he in his own words said was, at this point, a preventative measure. So, why declare an emergency if there isn’t one?

There’s just too much awful stuff in that paragraph to pick apart, so we’ll just sum up by saying that Billy has difficulty with word choice (“propaganda”) and syntax (“I say ‘propaganda’ because, in my heart, there is something mighty suspicious about declaring an emergency blah blah blah more words that don’t work well together”).

In case you haven’t been keeping score, there are a lot of famous people out there who won’t be getting the swine flu vaccine. Some of those people we don’t like (Rush Limbaugh). Some we do (Bill Maher).

We’re getting ahead of ourselves, though. (Cheap journalist’s trick coming up.) Will Billy be getting the H1N1 vaccine?

I for one will not be taking the vaccine. I do not trust those who make the vaccines, or the apparatus behind it all to push it on us thru fear. This is not judgment; it is a personal decision based on research, intuition, conversations with my doctor and my ‘family’. If the virus comes to take me Home, that is between me and the Lord. I have put up some of these links to inspire the question in you, so that perhaps you can make a better decision for yourself. That is what holistic life is about: a willingness to look at all the facts or opinions.

Ugh. First, thanks for making one more dose available to someone else, Billy. We were really worried that because of the vaccine shortage, your bald, aging ass would prevent some pregnant woman or stupid kid or Goldman Sachs executive from getting dosed. Second, who really cares what you’re doing? Have you written a good song since “Bullet with Butterfly Wings“? Does Goth America need another fat guy weeping over a guitar to know that things out there are bad and, like, maybe just getting worse?

One thing we’re pretty sure of is that Billy’s highly informed opinion (“based on research, intuition, conversations with my doctor and my ‘family’,” whatever that means) is just as illegitimate as the rest of Fat America’s. As Billy himself says:

I am not a doctor, and I am in no way suggesting that you should follow any medical advice from me.

Thanks, Billy! If you’re not a doctor and you’re not suggesting anyone follow your advice (bullshit), why the 840 rambling, poorly composed words? We know songwriting is your forte, but come on!

I am willing to question anything: the existence of God, the existence of me or you or Robert Zimmerman. I am willing to wonder aloud whether any of this we experience here on Earth is real. What is there to be afraid of in questioning life itself? I know God is not afraid of my doubt. That is why He gave me the faculty to doubt, to overcome its mystique to better know faith.

And while we appreciate your need to question shit, we’re not sure why you need to get all cheeky and cute and invoke Bob Dylan, John Lennon and rock history with a dumb reference to the nature of celebrity culture and worship, but OK. Your lyrics are kind of obtuse and self-important in a childish way, too. Makes sense that your weird science-based religious theory would be as well.

Just so you know how ridiculous Billy’s thought process is, here’s a sampling of his recent tweets:

Maybe life really is a bummer when you’re a hummer. Get the vaccine or don’t get it, Billy. But please: SHUT UP. Oh, and break up Smashing Pumpkins, too, because they’re crap without Jimmy Chamberlain.

Of course, by “very serious,” Mike Huckabee actually means, “just so so fat.”

Lamar Alexander (R-TN)
John Barrasso (R-WY)
Kit Bond (R-MO)
Sam Brownback (R-KS)
Jim Bunning (R-KY)
Richard Burr (R-NC)
Saxby Chambliss (R-GA)
Tom Coburn (R-OK)
Thad Cochran (R-MS)
Bob Corker (R-TN)
John Cornyn (R-TX)
Mike Crapo (R-ID) — Ha! “Crapo.”
Jim DeMint (R-SC)
John Ensign (R-NV)
Mike Enzi (R-WY)
Lindsey Graham (R-SC)
Judd Gregg (R-NH)
James Inhofe (R-OK)
Johnny Isakson (R-GA)
Mike Johanns (R-NE)
John Kyl (R-AZ)
John McCain (R-AZ)
Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
Jim Risch (R-ID)
Pat Roberts (R-KS)
Jeff Sessions (R-AL)
Richard Shelby (R-AL)
John Thune (R-SD)
David Vitter (R-LA)
Roger Wicker (R-MS)

And everyone out there is black, which in this metaphor means fat. You’re so fat that you wrote a book called Fat!So? You’re so fat your cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard. You’re so fat you got baptized at Sea World. You’re so fat the last time you saw “90210″ you were on a scale.

Are we cruel? Maybe. Are you fat? Definitely.

So we were reading the LA Times this morning (yes, we know: big mistake), and we ran across this story about — and we swear we’re not making this up — fat activists. These unapologetic fatties are working toward a day “when fat phobia becomes as intolerable as racism.”

Nice idea (not really). Problem: Your logic is retarded. You can’t change the color of your skin unless you’re Michael Jackson (RIP). You can eat less McDonald’s. Or walk up a flight of stairs. Or get off your goddamn Segway.

Before we blow a gasket bitching about these fatties, we’re going to get into this article, breaking it down nearly line by line.

Getting heavy people to feel comfortable in their skin, however ample, and focus on healthy behaviors is only half the fat-acceptance battle; the other half is getting society to make room for fat people.

Anyone notice that the lede sentence has a fat joke? “However ample.” And society’s going to need to make room, for sure. Because fat people are fat and take up more space than the rest of us. Because they’re fat.

Marilyn Wann of San Francisco is among the nation’s fat activists.

Yes, apparently that’s a thing.

She became passionate about defending the rights of fat people when she was denied health insurance based solely on her weight.

You know what else she’s passionate about? Pizza.

That same week, a guy she’d been seeing told her he was embarrassed to introduce her to his friends because of her body.

We understand why he feels that way.

“If I’d kept silent, I would be yielding to discrimination,” said Wann, who is 43, 5 feet 4 and 290 pounds, and considers herself a healthy, physically active person.

Now, we’re not doctors and neither is Wann, but we’re sure our doctors and hers would agree that “healthy” and “physically active” are not the best descriptors for her. Unless her physical activity is eating pies.

“I don’t think anyone should be excluded from love or rights based on weight.”

On this point, we agree.

So, like growing numbers of Americans[...]

– ha! growing –

[...]in recent years, she spoke up. She started a zine for fat people, wrote the book “Fat!So?” and helped pass an ordinance in San Francisco making it illegal to discriminate based on height and weight. She now does corporate training to promote fat acceptance in the workplace. She’d like to change two beliefs: that people chose what they weigh, and that weight equals health. Both are false, she says.

Except they’re not false. Sure, people don’t choose their weight, per se. But they do have — barring some glandular problem — control over what they put in their bodies and how often they move. Again, barring say, a thyroid problem, there’s a contrast between eating spinach, walking a lot and not being fat, and eating spaghetti bolognese, not walking anywhere and being fat.

Size tolerance, fat-acceptance activists say, should be right up there with religious tolerance, ethnic tolerance and gay tolerance.

Again, false. Again, we’re talking, for the most part, choice. We’re talking effort. We’re talking not drinking a milkshake every day. If a black person wanted to change the color of his skin, he couldn’t (except Michael Jackson). No matter how hard gay people try not to be gay — even Larry Craig and Charlie Crist — they’re going to be gay. And sure, you can go from being a Christian to being a Jew, but it’s a more difficult process than not stuffing doughnuts in your face.

“It’s the culture that has to change,” says Judith Matz, director of the Chicago Center for Overcoming Overeating. “I look forward to the day when fat phobia becomes as intolerable as racism.”

And we look forward to the day when litter becomes lollipops.

Joanne Ikeda is emeritus professor of nutrition at UC Berkeley, where she taught nutritional sciences for 37 years. She’s also a member of the National Assn. to Advance Fat Acceptance.

Oh, oh! And let us guess: She’s also fat.

“I joined NAAFA because I wanted to hear these people’s stories, and get insight into their experiences. When I heard people talk about going to the grocery store and having strangers take food out of their carts, I wanted to cry.”

In fairness, you shouldn’t walk up to a fat person in a grocery store and remove food from her cart. That’s really fucked up. Plus, it’s playing with fire.

Ikeda, who is 65, 5 feet 2 and 190 pounds with a BMI of 34.7, says others make unfair and untrue assumptions about fat people.

First, we were correct. She’s fat. Second, what’s this about unfair assumptions?

“People assume if you’re heavy, that you’re lazy, and that you have no self-control . . . . They think you’re stupid, and don’t exercise. If I could give one message, it would be, ‘Don’t prejudge.’ “

We don’t think fat people are stupid.

Most people feel ambivalent about fat people, says Lesleigh Owen of Monrovia, who is president of the Los Angeles chapter of NAAFA. “They think they should treat people well regardless of their size, but also view them as a big problem driving up healthcare costs.”

LOL! Big problem! Anyone notice this article is bursting with fat jokes?

Owen, who is 35, 5-feet-7 and 360 pounds, teaches sociology at Chaffey College in Rancho Cucamonga. She’s married and likes how she looks. She swims and belly dances. “I consider myself very healthy, and I think my doctor would agree.”

Which doctor is this? The one who killed Michael Jackson? We’d love to get your doctor’s opinion.

“When people say fatties are driving up the healthcare costs, I want to point out how arbitrary that is that they would single out that group and not the people who talk on their cellphones while driving, or who don’t wear helmets or seat belts, or who drive too fast, or who are stressed out all the time. Where’s the hue and cry about them?”

OK, let’s stop being deluded. We understand that you think you’re happy with the way you look. But your delusion shouldn’t extend to rising health care costs and their links to obesity. That’s not arbitrary. It’s fact. And as for your ridiculous suggestion that there’s no uproar about any of the other things you mention, here’s an article about banning texting while driving. Here’s a statement about wearing a fucking helmet. There are 49 states with seat belt laws. We’re guessing there was a hue and cry about those things, because rarely do laws and ordinances get passed because everyone’s cool with, say, drunk driving. As for an outcry about driving too fast, really? Really? You’re throwing that in with being fat? Are you fat? You sound fat.

“It’s true, we shouldn’t judge people by their weight,” says Janet Pregler, director of the Iris Cantor-UCLA Women’s Health Center and a professor of clinical medicine at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA. “Obesity is not their fault. But it isn’t true that we should stop trying to help them.”

We agree. We suggest you start with Michael Pollan’s book, In Defense of Food. His simple suggestion: “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.” There, we just helped you. And, Dr. Pregler, “Obesity is not their fault”? Categorically? Again, we’re not doctors, but that seems disingenuous.

Meanwhile, folks like Wann, Ikeda and Owen are trying — not for thinness, but for overall good health. Not for personal acceptance, which they’ve achieved, but for more acceptance from society. And they’re gaining it — slowly.

Of course, they’d probably gain it faster if they weren’t so fat. Or did cardio.

Sorry. I meant Fat America.

Before I write about the stupid Duggar family and their brood of retards (apologies to real retards), here’s a message to the anti-haters (if we’re haters): We don’t give a shit that these are newborns or that the Duggars love Jesus. OK? OK.

And yes, this is a People magazine story we’re ripping on, which means that we’ve picked an easy target and have also lowered human discourse by commenting on their rag. The sad truth is millions of people read People each week, and that can’t be good for the country. I mean, imagine you’re a terrorist and you read that Fat Americans are obsessed with “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” Don’t you feel more justified bombing Fat America now?

I mean, look at this nonsense from People:

Mackynzie Renée Duggar is in for an avalanche of family attention: She’s not only the first grandchild in the reality TV clan, but she already has 17 aunts and uncles, plus one more on the way, since her grandparents Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are expecting their 19th child in the spring.

Forget the 19 kids thing and focus on perhaps the most disturbing aspects of this story: 1) The Duggar patriarch goes by JIM BOB, and 2) There’s a magazine out there celebrating that two people know how to fuck. At least AVN is honest about what they’re celebrating.

Shocker, this story gets worse.

Although Mackynzie is his first child, [her father] Josh [Duggar] knows all about raising babies. He’s the oldest child of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar of Tonitown, Ark., who went on to have twins Jana and John-David, 19; Jill, 18; Jessa, 16; Jinger, 15; Joseph, 14; Josiah, 13; Joy-Anna, 11; twins Jedidiah and Jeremiah, 10; Jason, 9; James, 8; Justin, 6; Jackson, 5; Johanna, 3; Jennifer, 2 and Jordyn-Grace, 9 months.

The newest Duggar’s name came from a combination Josh’s cousin’s name (Mackynzie) and Anna’s middle name (Renée), but the couple hasn’t completely committed to “M” being the letter to begin all their children’s names. The Duggars famously have chosen “J” names for all their children.

It’s not enough for the O.G. Duggars to bring 19 cracker-spawn onto the planet. They have to give them all “J” names. And they’re so lazy (or stupid, or both), they cheat and give some of the kids hyphenated names. Imagine being named Jordyn-Grace. Now everyone knows you’re white trash and that your parents thump Bibles. Of course, that doesn’t mean we’re going to miss the premiere of this season of “18 Kids and Counting.” That would be un-Fat American.

Surprise! Republicans are ready to tell Bernanke and the Fed to go screw. DSNews.com

Michael Moore’s plan is kinda stale. New York Times‘ “Domestic Disturbances.” So’s the new movie, Capitalism: A Love Story, says Jonathan Kiefer. Sacramento News & Review

Olympic FAIL. Thanks, Oprah. USA Today

Just how does a Snickers “Nutrition Bar” survive out there in the marketplace anyway? Fast Company