If the Tea Party video hasn’t convinced you, maybe this HealthDay article will. Sure, it’s a couple weeks old, but we had an Old 96er to get through. Anyway, here’s some really frightening/hilarious information from the story:

Thirty percent of those in the “overweight” class believed they were actually normal size, while 70 percent of those classified as obese felt they were simply overweight. Among the heaviest group, the morbidly obese, almost 60 percent pegged themselves as obese, while another 39 percent considered themselves merely overweight.

In a word: Gah! And if you needed further evidence that those who look in the mirror and see that extra 30 pounds as normal are stupid, well, you’re stupid. And you have body image problems. And you need to see a therapist. And you need to go to the gym.

The one not-funny thing about this story is that 30 pounds overweight is the new normal. “Super Size Me” isn’t scary. It’s reality. Where’s Jamie Oliver when you need him?

[via LA Times, natch]

Over at Talking Points Memo they’ve got a story about the Republican candidate challenging Rep. Alan Grayson (D-Fla.). We like Grayson. He’s a little nuts, but he speaks his mind and — this is the crazy part — he can usually find an objective fact to back up what he says (except that time he was on “Real Time with Bill Maher,” when he talked out his ass on some stuff).

I digress. Here’s Navy veteran and former airline pilot Dan Fanelli telling Florida that he supports racial profiling. This is not a joke.

My favorite part is when he calls himself ripped. Humor FAIL.

And then there’s this ad:

The only good thing about the message here is that the soundtrack may be by Lalo Schifrin.

Finally, Fanelli has an ad with a doctor telling an old man that he can’t get medical treatment because he’s passed the age limit. You know, death panels! Because they’re real! Guess: Old people in Florida are shitting themselves at the Fanelli ads. Because — and this is just the experience of having grandparents who voted for Perot — old people believe everything fringe candidates tell them.

The only good thing about the racism, fear-mongering and fucking horrible human being-ness of Dan Fanelli is that he’s running against Grayson who will totally not back down from any weird shit Fanelli throws his way. In fact, this whole ad campaign was probably designed to be outrageous because Grayson himself is a little bonkers.

That being said, there’s no excuse for a person like Dan Fanelli getting to Congress. There’s no excuse for Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) either, but that’s another post for another time.

First: We’ve seen their signs and heard them speak and wonder just what degrees they could possibly hold.

Second: Go fuck yourselves, teabaggers.

But just for shits and giggles, let’s discuss their corporate sponsored document!

We, the undersigned, call upon those seeking to represent us in public office to sign the Contract from America and by doing so commit to support each of its agenda items, work to bring each agenda item to a vote during the first year, and pledge to advocate on behalf of individual liberty, limited government, and economic freedom.

Know what? There’s nothing inherently insane in that paragraph. Unless you count the fact that most of the things they’re asking for are fucking stupid.

Individual Liberty

Our moral, political, and economic liberties are inherent, not granted by our government. It is essential to the practice of these liberties that we be free from restriction over our peaceful political expression and free from excessive control over our economic choices.

A gripe against the health care purchase mandate, though veiled here. No surprise.

Limited Government

The purpose of our government is to exercise only those limited powers that have been relinquished to it by the people, chief among these being the protection of our liberties by administering justice and ensuring our safety from threats arising inside or outside our country’s sovereign borders. When our government ventures beyond these functions and attempts to increase its power over the marketplace and the economic decisions of individuals, our liberties are diminished and the probability of corruption, internal strife, economic depression, and poverty increases.

You’ll find lots of people with lots of different ideas about what government is or is not. Exactly how the government is increasing its power in the marketplace, we’re not sure, and of course the teabaggers are not specific here.

Economic Freedom

The most powerful, proven instrument of material and social progress is the free market. The market economy, driven by the accumulated expressions of individual economic choices, is the only economic system that preserves and enhances individual liberty. Any other economic system, regardless of its intended pragmatic benefits, undermines our fundamental rights as free people.

The free market also has the power to destroy the lives of many of its country’s citizens, but why let a little thing like regulating derivatives stop the free market? Just how many teabaggers are actually voting against their own self interests? Let’s start with Joe the Plumber.

1. Protect the Constitution

Require each bill to identify the specific provision of the Constitution that gives Congress the power to do what the bill does. (82.03%)

Grow up.

2. Reject Cap & Trade

Stop costly new regulations that would increase unemployment, raise consumer prices, and weaken the nation’s global competitiveness with virtually no impact on global temperatures. (72.20%)

Prove that Cap & Trade does any of those things, and we’re on board.

3. Demand a Balanced Budget

Begin the Constitutional amendment process to require a balanced budget with a two-thirds majority needed for any tax hike. (69.69%)

Really? You want Medicare and Social Security but you don’t want to pay for them? Is that what we’re hearing? Check out this Boston Globe article if you think we’re being reductive.

While we’re at it, since teabaggers didn’t voice gripes when we went to war in Iraq – which we couldn’t pay for, by the way – we can only assume that you’ll be approving the tax hike to pay for it. Right?

4. Enact Fundamental Tax Reform

Adopt a simple and fair single-rate tax system by scrapping the internal revenue code and replacing it with one that is no longer than 4,543 words—the length of the original Constitution. (64.90%)

Syntax alert! The word “original” before the word “Constitution” is totally unnecessary because there’s only one Constitution. In fact, that’s why we capitalize it! The Articles of Confederation were a constitution, but since they didn’t work and there’s no one claiming that we would have been better with the Articles, there’s no reason to call the Constitution “original.” It’s just the Constitution.

Further: Teabaggers are idiots. Say we cap federal income tax at 13%. Person A makes $27,000 and therefore must pay $3,510 in federal income tax. Person B makes $1,270,000 a year. That person would owe $165,100 in income tax. Call me crazy, but I think Person A needs his $3,510 more than Person B needs his $165,100. Not saying Person A should be off the hook entirely. Just sayin’

Oh, just saying teabaggers are heartless assholes.

5. Restore Fiscal Responsibility & Constitutionally Limited Government in Washington

Create a Blue Ribbon taskforce that engages in a complete audit of federal agencies and programs, assessing their Constitutionality, and identifying duplication, waste, ineffectiveness, and agencies and programs better left for the states or local authorities, or ripe for wholesale reform or elimination due to our efforts to restore limited government consistent with the US Constitution’s meaning. (63.37%)

We’re all for reducing the size of government. Thanks for enlarging it, George W. Bush! If someone can find a way to govern 307,000,000 people while reducing the size of the government and making it more efficient, rock ‘n’ roll. Our suggestion: Hire Jack Welch to do the audit. Of course, his fee and the fees of the people performing the audit will raise the debt by millions and perhaps billions of dollars, but you have to spend to cut sometimes.

6. End Runaway Government Spending

Impose a statutory cap limiting the annual growth in total federal spending to the sum of the inflation rate plus the percentage of population growth. (56.57%)

Also, demand the president have Congress declare war before, say, invading Iraq with no plan to contain costs or abruptly end soldiers’ lives needlessly.

Define “growth.” Also, look into the future and see when the next financial crisis is going to happen so that no one can authorize a TARP-like bill that dishes out taxpayer money that hasn’t been collected.

7. Defund, Repeal, & Replace Government-run Health Care

Defund, repeal and replace the recently passed government-run health care with a system that actually makes health care and insurance more affordable by enabling a competitive, open, and transparent free-market health care and health insurance system that isn’t restricted by state boundaries. (56.39%)

“Defund” isn’t a word. This idea would be great, by the way, if there were government-run health care. Unless the teabaggers are talking about Medicare and Medicaid, which we assume they now want repealed.

8. Pass an ‘All-of-the-Above” Energy Policy

Authorize the exploration of proven energy reserves to reduce our dependence on foreign energy sources from unstable countries and reduce regulatory barriers to all other forms of energy creation, lowering prices and creating competition and jobs. (55.51%)

Vague. So, so, so vague. Explain, please.

9. Stop the Pork

Place a moratorium on all earmarks until the budget is balanced, and then require a 2/3 majority to pass any earmark. (55.47%)

Since earmarks make up about 1% of the budget, they really aren’t a big problem. They’re more of a political problem than a fiscal problem. But since teabaggers seem to focus on the money that goes into them – and 1% of trillions of dollars is nothing to sneeze at – we can really focus attention elsewhere.

10. Stop the Tax Hikes

Permanently repeal all tax hikes, including those to the income, capital gains, and death taxes, currently scheduled to begin in 2011. (53.38%)

How can you permanently repeal a tax hike if you also want to approve tax hikes with a two-thirds vote? (See #3.) THINK.

Ninety-five percent of American got a tax cut in 2009. That’s more Americans than Bush’s tax cuts ever benefited. And since the tax hikes the teabaggers are referring to will happen when Bush’s tax cuts expire, they can’t really blame Obama for that. But they will.

So that’s what we think of the Contract from America. But here’s what we dislike most: The fake signature at the bottom of it is from the America People.

We at SCFOM are Americans. Born and raised. We work. We pay taxes. We put up with teabaggers and their John Galt nonsense every day. They’ve gone too far this time. Kindly remove “The American People” from the signature line, or at least amend it to “The American People, except for Dave and Josh.”

We can’t speak for the rest of the country.

Oh, and Elin: Leave him. No pre-nup is airtight.

Ugh.

And let’s just repeat: Tiger Woods plays golf for a living. He also collects a bunch of money (or did) from corporations such as Accenture. Gah! Where’s Triumph the Insult Comic Dog when he’s needed by the press and the public to keep everyone honest about what a not-big deal where Tiger puts his dick is?

Oh, but Earl cheated! And now there’s family legacy of…

STFU, pundits. Here’s what Tiger should say at his stupid press conference later today. And here’s what he’ll never say.

1. “So long as you let me get back to winning golf tournaments, I don’t really care what you think of me.”

2. “My own fame and fortune made my behavior possible.”

3. “Surprise, I haven’t been cured of anything.”

4. “My behavior was bad for business.”

5. “Face it, golf has been incredibly boring without me.”

[via David Knowles]

But seriously, folks. A new CNN/Opinion Research Pole (typo on purpose) has some facts you never wanted to know about a group you have scant knowledge of. Check it, from CNN Politics:

Activists in the Tea Party movement tend to be male, rural, upscale, and overwhelmingly conservative, according to a new national poll.

We’re shocked. Shocked! More:

The poll indicates that about 24 percent of the public generally favors the Tea Party movement but has not taken any actions such as donating money or attending a rally. Adding in the 11 percent who say they are active, a total of 35 percent could be described as Tea Party supporters. That larger group is also predominantly male, higher-income, and conservative.

Again, a stunner. Continuing:

The poll indicates that in a two-way race on the so-called “generic ballot” question, GOP candidates have a 47 percent to 45 percent edge. Throw a Tea Party candidate into the mix, and that two-point advantage becomes a 12-point deficit. That’s because virtually everyone who would vote for a Tea Party candidate in a three-way contest would choose a Republican in a two-way race. The Democratic candidate gets 45 percent in both scenarios, but the GOP candidate’s share of the vote drops from 47 percent in a two-way contest to just 33 percent with a Tea Party candidate on the ballot.

“Historically, that’s the problem many political movements have faced if they try to become a full-fledged party. They often wind up ensuring the victory of the candidate they dislike the most,” Holland added.

Hence Ross Perot and the election of Bill Clinton. Twice. And we know how Republicans — and by supposition, Teabaggers — feel about that guy.

Look, we’re not saying don’t run a third-party candidate. We’re just saying be careful what you wish for.

The movement [Palin and the Tea Partiers] most resemble is not the Boston Tea Party, which had a clear political and economic agenda. It is the extreme ideological groups they profess to dislike the most — Islamic extremists and the far left.

It may seem like an overblown comparison. After all the Taliban oppressed, tortured and killed millions in a war-torn nation. And Palin is, for all of the vitriol she generates, no Stalin. But here are the similarities:

• They all arise in times of trouble: economic and social turmoil is, almost by definition, confusing and difficult. People seek clarity. Extremism is a form of clarity.
• They all value ideological purity over intellect or skill: Mullah Omar, the one-eyed leader of the Taliban when they came to power in the 1990s, had never left Afghanistan and had read almost nothing but the Koran. No one cared. He rode to power on a wave of national discontent that sought single-mindedness after years of confusion.
• They all share a feeling of oppression: Palin used the word revolution when addressing the tea party conference in Nashville — there is the sense that tea-partyers and Palinites feel they are rising up against a government that doesn’t know, or care, what they think. Communism spread, in similar but far more extreme circumstances, on the back of the Russian revolution.

They left out Hitler.

His political fortunes turned in 1930 when the Great Depression hit Germany. The Weimar Republic wasn’t exactly built on a solid foundation, and right-wing extremists such as Hitler had a pretty easy go of gaining seats in the Reichstag. By the time Hitler made his speech to the Industry Club in January 1932 he was riding a wave of populist anger. The speech put him over the top. We all know what happened after that.

Now, we don’t think Sarah Palin has that kind of power: She’s not as smart, and — this is a guess — she’s not as evil as Hitler. Or, as Gawker points out, Stalin. But her followers are sheep and they are stupid. So your guess as to the outcome of the Sarah Palin nightmare is as good as ours.