It’s all so stupid, the idea that God wants Floyd Mayweather to win more than his poor opponent or that he wants David Ortiz to get hits against the Yankees (possible). But why doesn’t the proverbial shoe ever go on the other foot? Why doesn’t anyone ever call out God when something terrible happens?

Enter Buffalo Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson:

Yep, he straight cold dropped a pass that would’ve given the lowly Bills a win over the vaunted Steelers. So what’s the natural response after a little time for reflection?

If you don’t love this, you just don’t love sports. Finally, someone to look up to.

Actual transcript:

“How can you get a volcano in Iceland, isn’t it too… when you think of a volcano, you think of like Hawaii and long words like that. You don’t think of Iceland. You think it’s too cold to have a volcano there, but noooo. There it is.”

Ugh. Apparently this is what happens, though, when everything you know about geology, you learned from “Joe Versus The Volcano.”

Had a powerful meditation just now — caused an earthquake in Southern California,” Chopra wrote to his nearly 179,000 Twitter followers shortly after the quake.

And then, to clarify: “Was meditating on Shiva mantra & earth began to shake,” he tweeted. “Sorry about that.”

An hour after Chopra’s Twitter confession, he vowed to one Twitter user, @WhiteMoon7, “Won’t do it again — promise.”

Ah yes, the old cause-and-effect trick! I was meditating and then there was an earthquake! My meditation must’ve caused the earthquake! God, you know who thinks like that? Children. Children and former half-term governor Sarah Palin think like that.

Of course, the other possibility here is that Chopra has a terrible sense of humor and doesn’t know when to stop telling an awful joke. In that case, he’s more like Jay Leno than he is like Sarah Palin — not really a better proposition.

Plus, this whole thing is ghey. We all know the Baja quake was caused by a guy trying to break the sacred record for stacking quarters on your elbow and catching them.

President Barack Obama launched an ambitious plan on Wednesday to lift a decades-long moratorium on offshore oil drilling along the East Coast from Delaware to Florida, in the Gulf of Mexico and Alaska.

“This is not a decision that I’ve made lightly,” he said in remarks at Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland. “But the bottom line is this: given our energy needs, in order to sustain economic growth and produce jobs and keep our businesses competitive, we are going to need to harness traditional sources of fuel, even as we ramp up production of new sources of renewable, homegrown energy.”

We’re pretty sure it’s not, but we’re hoping this is just Obama’s way of testing John McCain’s childish threat that he’d “never work with those mean Democrats ever again because they were so mean to [him] when they passed their health care bill.”

Ugh! And even if it were just a test, John McCain already caved! From Walnuts‘ personal twitter account: “Drill baby drill! Good move – where are Reid and Pelosi on this?”

Is there any way we can make this worse?

Barack Obama does realize he’s advocating a policy that both John McCain and hillbilly grifter Sarah Palin agree with, right? People shouldn’t have to tell him that’s a terrible sign, should they?

Of course, on the flip side, look who’s paling around with known terrorists NOW, Sarah Palin!

We already knew that although Sarah Palin refers to Sweet Baby Trig as “her little retard,” other people aren’t ever allowed to call anything — even f-ing retarded Democrats — “retarded.” We also knew she’s a prolific quitter and employed incredibly self-serving double-standards that say Rush Limbaugh can call anything “retarded” because he’s a “satirist.“

Flashback to a few months ago to when a blogger photoshopped a picture of young Trigger. Palin’s head almost exploded she was so mad. Well today, in touting her husband Todd’s “snow machine race,” Palin tweeted — SURPRISE! — a photoshopped picture of Trig.

So there ya have it. Not only did someone photoshop eye black and (presumably) Todd’s “Team 22″ logo onto Trig, but they also threw in the tag, “What up, Iron Dog?” and used a picture of the little one throwing a gang sign.

Couple of immediate thoughts: If a Democrat had made this photoshop, it’d be deemed insensitive, mocking and probably racist. Of course, if a Democrat had made it, it probably wouldn’t like it was done by a retard. But that’s another story.

Because Palin posted this on twitter, it took just two minutes for someone to respond appropriately:

It only took two more minutes for those comments to be deleted. Strangely, this was allowed to stay:

Quite a world we live in.

In a related story, our mothers are really upset with us for being “first.”

Here’s the video:

For the actual video (which is the same but without the bow tie), go here.

We kid Ricky Gervais, and while his reasons for quitting tweeting (quick, think of another gerund!) are hardly original or noteworthy or new, there’s a certain je ne sais quoi-ness to the statement he wrote on his blog about it, which the Guardian thankfully reprinted.

The comedian and creator of The Office started tweeting on 14 December after Golden Globe bosses told him to promote the awards ceremony, which he is hosting on Sunday. However, after only six tweets he announced he was stopping.”As you may know I’ve stopped with Twitter,” he wrote on his blog. “I just don’t get it I’m afraid. I’m sure it’s fun as a networking device for teenagers but there’s something a bit undignified about adults using it. Particularly celebrities who seem to be showing off by talking to each other in public.

True, there is something undignified about adults using (gerund!) Twitter. Here’s a tweet picked totally at random from Ashton Kutcher:

are we more predisposed to connect with someone whos general talking voice in in the same key as ours? RT @TamArraLynn: elaborate on that

Answer.

Whoa. Ricky’s correct. Totes undignified. Godspeed, sir, and we won’t be watching the Golden Globes! And fuck Jay Leno!

Well she’s back. Oh baby is she back! Lots of journalists have been making hay out of her book tour and the fact that although she seems to be traveling the country by bus, Palin’s actually been hopping from event to event by chartered jet.

She’s had enough of the jibber-jabber, though, and she rage-twatted about it on Tuesday:

Oh snap! Take that, lamestream media!

And just like that, any and all doubt about whether Sarah Palin is actually the one tweeting this nonsense is erased.

UPDATE:

Rather than doing another entire post on how Sarah Palin is actually stupider and less presidential on Twitter than in real life, we’re just gonna add her latest tweet onto the end of this post.

Apparently while Palin’s busy signing books, she just straight cold lets random strangers take care of her baby Trig, who (as if you need reminding) has freakin’ Down Syndrome. WTF.