State of the Union time, baby! Let’s get it on!

9:07 This is, of course, the most important part of the speech. Who’s on the center aisle? Who transcended party labels and waited literally HOURS to get his picture taken with the President!? Obviously, Sheila Jackson-Lee, that’s who. Christ.

9:08 Just in case you’re watching along at home, we should point out that we’re watching on MSNBC. If you’re watching on FOX News, you’re probably seeing a different feed. There are not actually horns on Obama’s head.

9:09 Obama greets the Joint Chiefs. Totally cool to ask if they’re gay now.

9:10 Wow, Pelosi’s wearing a lot of makeup tonight. And a suit! Weird!

9:12 Oh man, big hand for the new Speaker! And an even bigger hand for Gabby Giffords! Hooray for everyone!9:13 WTF, Obama!? One week after telling us to stop fighting, you’re defending fighting!? I’m confused.

9:14 Ugh, really shouldn’t have read the draft of the speech. This is totally boring now. Yawn.

9:15 Saxby Chambliss is totally cool with working with Democrats now. Just not if they’re war heroes and wounded veterans, in which case they must be defeated for opposing freedom.

9:16 Anyone know what’s up with the crazy spider sculpture in front of Boehner?

9:17 John Boehner is playing with fire drinking water during this sucker. Everyone knows water is just tear fuel!

9:19 With all the beautiful bipartisan couples at this year’s State of the Union, can we get a kiss cam?

9:20 We were the first nation founded based on an idea? That doesn’t sound right. Could’ve sworn Iceland was founded for AWESOMENESS.

9:21 This strikes me as one part of the Speaker’s job he won’t be liking. No easy way to sneak a smoke from there.

9:23 Only scattered applause for facebook? Doesn’t bode well for The Social Network’s Oscar hopes.

9:24 “Sputnik moment” was a line the White House actually released ahead of time. Turned out to get zero applause. Seems about right. (What’s a Sputnik?)

9:26 And there they are!! Gillibrand and Thune! Tonight’s prom king and queen!

9:28 Oh man, this integrated seating is killing me! I can’t tell at all what I should be happy about anymore!

9:30 “We’ll show you the money!” First facebook reference, check. And now the first Jerry McGuire reference, check. Big big day for Hollywood.

9:34 Joe Biden can’t even stop relaxing during this speech. Has anyone ever taken the State of the Union less seriously? (Yes, George W. Bush)

9:36 Yeah, you want to take up illegal immigration? That’s your big plan for bringing people TOGETHER!? You’re doing it wrong.

9:38 America may be the country that built the transcontinental railroad, but that was Chinese people. Just sayin’

9:40 Glad I’m not sitting in Boehner’s seat. I’d have spray-on tan all over my pants. Kidding! It’s because I’m bored.

9:43 Not surprisingly, Rep. Paul Broun is one of Obama’s biggest critics tonight. Of course, he’s a moron.

9:45 Barack Obama: totally willing to compromise on aspects of health care, as long as it doesn’t mean changing anything in the health care bill. So suck it, you guys.

9:47 Interesting that Obama’s forward-looking speech is now focusing on legislation that was passed last year and repealed last week.

9:50 What!? No applause for Dwight Eisenhower!? What is wrong with this Congress!?

9:52 Sorry to go back to Paul Broun’s twitter feed, but the guy just keeps tweeting the same four things. It’s like a Paul Broun sound board. We get it: you have a balanced budget amendment.

9:53 Oh snap! Millionaires should have to give up tax cuts!? What’s next? Are we gonna make John McCain stop being an asshole? These are pretty unrealistic asks, Mr. President.

9:53 Obama says the last major reorganization of government happened during the age of black and white TVs. Pretty sure the last reorganization was adding the Department of Homeland Security after 9/11… Soooo…

9:55 Everyone laughed at Obama’s salmon joke the same way I laugh at my dad’s jokes. Out of politeness and in hopes that the awkwardness will go away quickly.

9:56 Obama just took a strong stand against earmarks, making exactly two people in America really happy: Jeff Flake and Walnuts McCain.

9:58 Cheap applause line: “Hey, check it everyone…SOLDIERS!”

9:59 Some of these seating arrangements are awkward. Kerry-McCain, Schumer-Coburn, but is there anything creepier than Strom Thurmond and Robert C. Byrd? Talk about a political odd couple!!

9:59 Haha, Obama’s actually trying to talk about Iraq! That’s funny!

10:00 To al Qaeda: “We will not relent, we will not waver, and we will defeat you.” Where’ve we heard that before? Oh right, every single year since 2001.

10:02 Hill Dawg looks so FIERCE, y’all!!

10:03 This speech is boring, but I appreciate the cutaways to McCain. Appreciate the frequent reminders of what terribleness could be speaking to us.

10:05 Someone should really talk to Boehner after this speech and let him know that next year he should try to douche it up a little less.

10:06 Oh man, John Boehner can’t even clap for not discriminating against gay people? Wow. Wake up, mofos. It ain’t 1950.

10:08 There’s a big applause line! Can we all clap for being Americans!? No Doubt! America F— Yeah!

10:09 Full on assault on John Boehner! Make. Him. Cry! Make. Him. Cry!

10:11 Big whoop. This guy helped the Chilean miners!? How about something someone did this year?

10:13 Obama employing his dramatic whisper voice…getting close to the big finish!

10:13 And the state of our union is… STRONG!! Hooray!

10:17 What’s with all the autograph requests going on now? Those suckers are going on ebay!!

In case you're wondering, yes, that's the glow of the TelePrompTer reflecting in Palin's glasses.

It’s bad enough that you’ve likely convinced a bunch of dumb, fat white guys out there who want to fuck you that you’d make a good president. But seriously, just stop being a horrible, ignorant, intolerant, pandering former half-term governor.

There are times on this site when we think we shouldn’t call Sarah Palin names because, you know, we have employers and eventually we’ll want to get new jobs somewhere else or get fired and then need to find a new job and someday a future employer will look at this website and say, “This person’s nuts. We can’t hire someone who’s NUTS.” (BTW, that’s what the Fat American people should say at the polls in 2012 when Sarah Palin runs for president on the Teabagger ticket.)

But then we see Palin’s stupid Luke Wilson jaw and her dumb, smug face and we lose our minds. She can’t DO ANYTHING BUT INCITE FEAR AND HATRED.

And you know what? She’s not entirely stupid because she’s smart enough to know that “blood libel” is a code phrase to anti-Semites across this country. She’s smart enough to know that it’s a wink to people who hate, people who eat up her garbage, people who just can’t stand that a black man is president.

WHY, WHY, WHY DOES ANYONE LISTEN TO THIS FUCKING CHEERLEADER?

We’ll tell you why people (and we use the word “people” loosely) listen to her: Because most Americans still live in high school well past the age of 18.

“Blood libel.” Sweet Jesus. What an ASSHOLE. We want to give you the benefit of the doubt that you didn’t know what that meant, but you’re beyond being afforded that luxury. You pander to the least common denominator and when you casually pepper your speech with anti-Semitic dog whistles, everyone knows it was intentional.

Fuck. This fucking country.

Subhead: duh.

Yes, apparently political propaganda thinly disguised as news and shamelessly used to fearmonger does not make for the most informed viewers. Take it away science:

Those who watched Fox News almost daily were significantly more likely than those who never watched it to believe that most economists estimate the stimulus caused job losses (12 points more likely), most economists have estimated the health care law will worsen the deficit (31 points), the economy is getting worse (26 points), most scientists do not agree that climate change is occurring (30 points), the stimulus legislation did not include any tax cuts (14 points), their own income taxes have gone up (14 points), the auto bailout only occurred under Obama (13 points), when TARP came up for a vote most Republicans opposed it (12 points) and that it is not clear that Obama was born in the United States (31 points). The effect was also not simply a function of partisan bias, as people who voted Democratic and watched Fox News were also more likely to have such misinformation than those who did not watch it — though by a lesser margin than those who voted Republican.

It shouldn’t require an explanation here, but because some of our readers are retarded, it’s worth noting that all of those assumptions are wrong. Barack Obama was born in the United States, Bush also bailed out the auto industry, and there is an overwhelming consensus in the scientific community that climate change is real and caused by people.

As Daniel Patrick Moynihan said, “Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not to his own facts.”

Of course, there should probably be a FOX News corollary: if you’re watching FOX News, you’re not entitled to any facts. In fact, you might just hear the PolitiFact Lie of the Year, over and over instead.

[Political Wire]

Anyway, watch these people — mostly fat people — restore freedom all over Washington, D.C. The guy playing the piccolo at the beginning gets points for being awesome (no irony).

But hey, as long as you’re already indulging in fried dough and deliciously-sweet whipped lard, you might as well do it for free! Today is National Doughnut Day! Get your fat butt to the doughnut shop; supplies can’t possibly last in this economy.

The Store: Dunkin Donuts
The Deal: Free doughnut of your choice with any beverage purchase.
Where: Nationwide, but only at participating locations in the U.S. Visit the store finder for locations.
Details: More info on Facebook.

The Store: Krispy Kreme
The Deal: Free doughnut of your choice, no purchase necessary.
Where: US and Canada, but check out this pdf for participating locations.
Details: More info on krispykreme.com.

[Gawker]

Good lord, vote for this man, if for no other reason, just to get him off the streets.

Our friends (read: random strangers) at U.S. News & World Report put out a story Thursday that shows just how big the disconnect is between what kids today (those kids today!!!) think is right and what’s actually right. To the piece, which is nothing short of depressing and sadly not at all surprising:

[A new] study by the University of Nebraska-Lincoln gauged both the prevalence and perceptions of cheating among high-school students. It found the practice is widespread and many students carry misperceptions about academic dishonesty, and also identified patterns among students that may help teachers stop it.

So what exactly did the students think was cheating and what wasn’t? Glad you asked!

The results suggested that in some ways, students had clear views of what constituted cheating—not that it stopped them from doing it. For example, 89 percent said glancing at someone else’s answers during a test was cheating, but 87 percent said they’d done that at least once. Also, 94 percent said providing answers to someone during a test was cheating—but 74 percent admitted to doing it.

Other behaviors weren’t as cut-and-dried in students’ minds. Surprisingly, only 47 percent said that providing test questions to a fellow student who had yet to take a test was academically dishonest, and nearly seven out of 10 admitted to doing so.

Oh brother. In the risk of sounding like an old fart: How exactly is giving a fellow student the exact questions that appear on an exam he’s about to take not cheating?

“The results suggest that students’ attitudes are tied to effort. Cheating that still required students to put forth some effort was viewed as less dishonest than cheating that required little effort,” Kiewra said.

So let me see if we have this right: Guy leaves his car unlocked in a Wal-Mart parking lot (because let’s be honest), leaves his iPhone on the driver’s seat. You, “Fat American Student A,” pass the car and see the iPhone in the seat. You try the door. It’s unlocked. You take the iPhone.

Is Fat American Student A more or less guilty for stealing the phone because some fuckwad didn’t lock his Nissan 280ZX? Yes, the situation is inherently flawed; no one who owns a 280ZX would also own an iPhone, but c’mon! The scenario is still good. No need to break balls over particulars.

The answer is: Duh, he should have locked his car! It’s the Nissan owner’s fault. Jimmy Nussenbaum only provided me with the questions but I still had to look up the answers! The answers that I could easily find because I had the questions! How is that cheating?

Anyway, the rest of the piece is no less astounding.

The study showed:

• Sixty-two percent said doing individual take-home tests with a partner was cheating (51 percent said they’d done so);
• Just 23 percent said doing individual homework with a partner was dishonest (91 percent had done so); and
• Only 39 percent said writing a report based on the movie instead of reading the book wasn’t cheating (53 percent had done so).

The results suggest that out-of-class misdeeds are viewed less harshly than in-class cheating, Kiewra said—a dynamic that is likely caused by teacher monitoring in class, and, therefore, a greater risk of getting caught.

That’s right! It’s only cheating if you get caught. Married friends, take note.

Look. We know that kids are kids. Which is to say, stupid. And hopefully they’ll grow out of it. But it’s hard to grow up and take responsibility for yourself when every piece of culture emphasizes the benefits of short-term gratification rather than long-term…anything.

We don’t have a solution here other than making all white people take a mandatory “Stop your bitching” class, so what do we know? The youth of America: Our future. Huzzah!

[h/t Wilson]

Well the public is speaking again — this time clearly — and strangely the GOP doesn’t want to listen anymore. Much like in the health care debate when the Republicans ran interference for insurance companies, the party is again doing the work of big business, preventing debate on stricter financial regulations because that might not be such a great thing for their rich buddies at the banks.

From the Washington Post today:

About two-thirds of Americans support stricter regulations on the way banks and other financial institutions conduct their business, according to a new Washington Post-ABC News poll.

Majorities also back two main components of legislation congressional Democrats plan to bring to a vote in the Senate this week: greater federal oversight of consumer loans and a company-paid fund that would cover the costs of dismantling failed firms that put the broader economy at risk.

Well that’s nice, America! That’s adorable that you think your opinion matters just because you’ve been hearing for months that it does! But it doesn’t. Just ask mean old Richard Shelby (R-AL).

Senator Shelby said on Sunday that his party was still prepared to block debate of the bill as he fought for additional changes, including what he described as tight guarantees against future taxpayer bailouts of banks.

Told that the two sides seemed close, Mr. Shelby said it wasn’t clear. “Inches sometimes are miles,” he said.

Oh, silly America. Don’t you know your opinion only matters when you’re a multi-national corporation?

“Hogwash.”

“I think you’re misinformed.”

[Indecision Forever]