I know what you’re thinking: Wouldn’t a movie that was just the phrase, “Oh, grow the fuck up,” be really boring to watch for two hours? Well, guess what? They shot some pictures for this piece of shit and actually strung them together.

Don’t forget to watch the whole trailer because there’s a surprise at the end (JOHN GALT IS A TRANSVESTITE): IT’S JUST PART ONE.

In case you're wondering, yes, that's the glow of the TelePrompTer reflecting in Palin's glasses.

It’s bad enough that you’ve likely convinced a bunch of dumb, fat white guys out there who want to fuck you that you’d make a good president. But seriously, just stop being a horrible, ignorant, intolerant, pandering former half-term governor.

There are times on this site when we think we shouldn’t call Sarah Palin names because, you know, we have employers and eventually we’ll want to get new jobs somewhere else or get fired and then need to find a new job and someday a future employer will look at this website and say, “This person’s nuts. We can’t hire someone who’s NUTS.” (BTW, that’s what the Fat American people should say at the polls in 2012 when Sarah Palin runs for president on the Teabagger ticket.)

But then we see Palin’s stupid Luke Wilson jaw and her dumb, smug face and we lose our minds. She can’t DO ANYTHING BUT INCITE FEAR AND HATRED.

And you know what? She’s not entirely stupid because she’s smart enough to know that “blood libel” is a code phrase to anti-Semites across this country. She’s smart enough to know that it’s a wink to people who hate, people who eat up her garbage, people who just can’t stand that a black man is president.

WHY, WHY, WHY DOES ANYONE LISTEN TO THIS FUCKING CHEERLEADER?

We’ll tell you why people (and we use the word “people” loosely) listen to her: Because most Americans still live in high school well past the age of 18.

“Blood libel.” Sweet Jesus. What an ASSHOLE. We want to give you the benefit of the doubt that you didn’t know what that meant, but you’re beyond being afforded that luxury. You pander to the least common denominator and when you casually pepper your speech with anti-Semitic dog whistles, everyone knows it was intentional.

Fuck. This fucking country.

So someone walked into an event that Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords (D-Ariz.) was holding outside a grocery store. Shot her in the head. Killed at least four people. Giffords is in surgery as of 3:39 p.m. ET.

Here are some choice images from Sarah Palin’s Facebook page. You remember the crosshairs? Yeah. Here’s THAT image. Of course, it’s not murder — or attempted murder — if you’re totally being a maverick, which the shooter, certainly a patriot, no doubt is.

And here’s the note on Palin’s Facebook page, helpfully screengrabbed in case it disappears.

The bottom line is, in the war against getting anything done in Congress Jim DeMint is a leader. A Supreme honcho. The teabagger favorite and all-around piece of human garbage has decided that Congress is engaged in the (fake) war on Christmas. He says the push to get the massive spending bill through the Senate in the days before Dec. 25 is — and we’re not kidding — sacrilegious. Just read for yourself!

You can’t jam a major arms control treaty right before Christmas,” he told POLITICO. “What’s going on here is just wrong. This is the most sacred holiday for Christians. They did the same thing last year – they kept everybody here until (Christmas Eve) to force something down everybody’s throat. I think Americans are sick of this.”

He’s right about one thing: Americans are sick. They’re sick of obstructionists blocking shit for the sake of blocking it. They’re sick of the two parties not being able to compromise about anything. And — we can only speak for ourselves in this case — they’re sick of fucking assholes like Jim DeMint using religion as an opportunity to be a cock. Does this fucking asshole know how many Christians work on Christmas? What a fuckface.

Pardon. That was a little much, even for us (though we did publish an anti-Elizabeth Edwards obit last week, so maybe this a step backward in the bile department).

DeMint conveniently glosses over the fact that a lame duck Congress does this shit all the time. That is, pushes a massive amount of legislation forward in an effort to get laws passed, and — just as importantly — fund the government before the session ends.

The kicker is that this bozo’s solution is to slow the process down so that everyone has to work longer. Yeah, that’ll show ‘em!

“DeMint has demanded a full reading of the treaty, a process that, ironically, will push the chance for a vote closer to Christmas.”

Asked if he were concerned that could further extend the lame-duck session until after Christmas, DeMint said: “So we all want to go home and be with our families. If they want to do it, let’s stay here until New Year’s eve.”

Fuck you, DeMint. Fuck you and your anti-Christian Christianity. We’re sure Jesus wold have done the same thing, force everyone to stay in one place and not go home to worship in His name!

Just take a look at this thing he said over the summer:

All of the president’s talk of post-partisanship, reaching out and finding common ground reminds us that the country deserves better than his hyper-partisan speech today.”

And then Boehner said that following on Sean Hannity’s wretched show Thursday:

This is not a time for compromise, and I can tell you that we will not compromise on our principles,” Boehner said during an appearance on conservative Sean Hannity’s radio show.

Yes, the compromise thus far has been really heartening. Can’t wait for the non-compromise.

To wit: Asshole Rep. Mike Pence (R-Ind.) is still touting his — and other GOP members’ — bogus claim that the health care reform law is a “government takeover of health care.” It isn’t. But we’ll get to that in a moment. First, here’s Pence’s tired rhetoric, as re-spewed out CBS News’ “Early Show” to coincide with changes that went into effect Thursday because of health care reform, and reported by Business Week:

The House Republicans’ agenda “will focus on getting this economy moving again, getting spending under control, and, yes, it includes rolling back both the failed economic policies and broadly rejected government takeover of health care enacted last March,” Rep. Mike Pence of Indiana, who chairs the House Republican Conference, said Thursday on the CBS Early Show.

That same Business Week story has results of a new Kaiser Family Foundation survey that shows Americans supporting health care reform 49 to 40 percent. And the Kaiser Family Foundation, whatever you think of them, is in the business of health care. So there’s that.

Here’s the other thing for the Pences of this country who think the health care law is a “government takeover of health care.” A government takeover would be Medicare for everyone. By instituting a purchase mandate but not offering, say, a single-payer system, the Obama administration is actually pretty pro-business. The only way  to make the overhaul less an anti-government takeover than it already is would be to eliminate Medicare for the olds and say, “Sorry, Grampa. Go buy from Cigna.”

Writer Sara Murray doesn’t come right out and say that Americans are stupid, lazy hypocrites but, hey, we read between the lines and are doing it for her. Americans are stupid, lazy hypocrites. (They’re also fat but that’s another story for another day).

We’ve all heard lately that the deficit is booming, there’s too much government spending, Social Security’s fucked, etc. All of those things are true, of course. Why? Well, the deficit is booming because someone has to kick start the economy and tax cuts for rich people aren’t going to do it. And yes, just in case you’re wondering, the stimulus worked. Certainly not the way the administration thought it would and not as well as it could have, either — because the administration made the mistake of thinking that Americans are rational, thoughtful people — but it did. Just not well enough.

So enough of the background. Here’s what we mean when we say Americans are the problem:

Efforts to tame America’s ballooning budget deficit could soon confront a daunting reality: Nearly half of all Americans live in a household in which someone receives government benefits, more than at any time in history.

At the same time, the fraction of American households not paying federal income taxes has also grown — to an estimated 45% in 2010, from 39% five years ago, according to the Tax Policy Center, a nonpartisan research organization.

Oops.

Yet even as Americans express concern over the deficit in opinion polls, many oppose benefit cuts, particularly with the economy on an uneven footing. A Wall Street Journal/NBC News poll conducted late last month found 61% of voters were “enthusiastic” or “comfortable” with congressional candidates who support cutting federal spending in general. But 56% expressed the same enthusiasm for candidates who voted to extend unemployment benefits.

Of course they do! Because they don’t understand how money and business and spending and government works. And guess what? It’s actually not that difficult. Here’s how the government entitlement part goes: If you want Medicare (and judging by how many people want the government to keep their filthy hands off Medicare, you do), you have to pay for it. The way you pay for it is by taxes!

Also: If you want Social Security, you have to pay for it — as a payroll tax! See, that’s how entitlement programs work. They have to be paid for somehow. Social security isn’t a handout; you pay into it with every paycheck (assuming your employer isn’t a total scumbag). The problem with Social Security isn’t that it’s welfare (it isn’t). The problem is that when it was enacted the population was about 130,000,000, lived until they were about 65 or died in World War II. Now the population is about 300,000,000 and everyone is really fucking old.

We’re not suggesting that there’s not waste in government. Any system that would employ Charlie Rangel for 40 years has serious problems. We’re just saying that if you want spending limited, you may have to take a cut in something you enjoy. We’re perfectly prepared to eat baloney for a couple months. Is the rest of America? Well, they’re already eating baloney and it’s making them fat. But we’re talking about eating baloney from a symbolic and from a monetary point of view, you know, baloney being cheap…

Oh, fuck it. Long story short: Americans are stupid.

If the Tea Party video hasn’t convinced you, maybe this HealthDay article will. Sure, it’s a couple weeks old, but we had an Old 96er to get through. Anyway, here’s some really frightening/hilarious information from the story:

Thirty percent of those in the “overweight” class believed they were actually normal size, while 70 percent of those classified as obese felt they were simply overweight. Among the heaviest group, the morbidly obese, almost 60 percent pegged themselves as obese, while another 39 percent considered themselves merely overweight.

In a word: Gah! And if you needed further evidence that those who look in the mirror and see that extra 30 pounds as normal are stupid, well, you’re stupid. And you have body image problems. And you need to see a therapist. And you need to go to the gym.

The one not-funny thing about this story is that 30 pounds overweight is the new normal. “Super Size Me” isn’t scary. It’s reality. Where’s Jamie Oliver when you need him?

Sure, there’s no harm in an equestrian airbag story. But tell me HOW IS IT THE THIRD MOST POPULAR STORY ON THE TIMES WEBSITE TUESDAY? (And no, I didn’t read the Times Monday, so maybe it was the most popular…except I think that maybe the most popular story then was that piece of shit masquerading as journalism about parents who trail their shitty kids to their college classes.)

Maybe the popularity of this story is really a good thing. See, there are actually only six equestrians in the United States. I know this because I’m related to two of them by marriage. And they both read the article (in fact, one of them e-mailed me when I sent it to her, telling me, “Yes, I read that this morning. I tested one of those at a trade show.” The real question is, as one of the 14 people who’s worn one of these airbags, how did the Times not interview her? But I digress.)

Back to the popularity thing. Because there’s such shit out there and so much partisan fucking claptrap, maybe people just need a “Hey, maybe these horse-folk will have added protection at their next show jumping event” kind of story. I don’t know. How would anyone know? Oh, right! Because riding horses is so populist! (It’s not.)

Look, it’s not as if the Times is writing New Yorker-quality pieces, OK? That’s no slam on the Times, except that it kind of is, but EQUESTRIAN AIRBAGS? How about a story about white people moving to Inwood while we’re at it? Oh, they already did that one!

Of course, if you wanted further proof that the New York Times writes only for white people, this story is Exhibit Fucking-A. And I reiterate: the biggest problem with America is white people. Don’t believe me? Read Josh’s post from Monday.